Lost and Found

“In order to learn how to keep, you must lose first.” ― Auliq Ice

Lost and Found

The number on the envelope had been a little blurry, so I had to go through several doors starting with the number three. Up and down the stairs I had gone in the apartment complex, but I was finally here. I hesitated for a moment before ringing the doorbell. After all, I would have to come clean I had actually read the letter of an other person. Or did I?

I brushed my sweaty hands on my pants, and then, pushed the button. The door opened. I looked at the little old lady at the doorway.

“Hi, you don’t know me, but I have something which belongs to you.”

Serially Lost in Fiction

“Row, row, row your boat, Gently down the stream.
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, Life is but a dream.”

Serially Lost in Fiction

Writer’s note: This content is the work of pure fiction and is in no way associated to the writer ;P

The best guideline for any writer is to read, read and read some more. With all available resources, carrying a “book” around is easy as pie and you can read anywhere. There is a downside to this though and I found that out the hard way: I got caught between the realm of reality and fantasy.

It started slowly, reading a short story here, another there. Then things started to escalate. I was hooked up on longer stories, even sequels and serial ones. It had gotten to the point where I was reading on the bus stop, in the bus, at lunch, on coffee break. When I got home from work I could not wait to rush through my daily chores and emerge myself in more stories.

Feeling like the children who found Narnia, I was devouring all kinds of the stories. Re-enacting some of them in my sleep. Even taking part in conversations with my imaginary new friends in my head.

Staying up until late hours, reading, reading, reading. Sleep was scarce, almost non-existent. Drinking lots of coffee was the only remedy to somehow muddle through my work days. Even during the day fantasizing of the time I was back home and able to fully concentrate on my reading.

Then I got a wake up call. It was in the form of an intervention from my family and friends. I was on my way from work like usual and happily thinking on my next read. And there they were, sitting in the living room, waiting for me. Not a tablet, laptop, book reader nor an actual book in sight!

They sat me down gently and told me in no small way how my constant reading was affecting them.
I could not believe they would dare confronting me like this. After all, I was only reading for leisure.

Bewildered and utterly distraught I dwelled in self pity for a few days. Locking myself in my room and reporting in sick. I decided “to hell with it” and emerged in even more reading. For four days and four nights apart from potty breaks I read anything and everything.

After those days, I guess something got me thinking. Could have been the sleep deprivation, could have been the fact I had hardly eaten, but I realized I was in over my head. Then and there I decided it was time for a change.

 Next stop: Reality? Who’s Brilliant Idea Was That?

A Wanna-be Drag Queen

“I Look Fuckin’ Cool” – Adore Delano & Alaska Thunderfuck

A Wanna-be Drag Queen

There is just something
to be said
About a man
in a dress
Not one hair
in a mess
Everyone staring
at big earrings

A Sculpted body
and lean legs
The woman embodies
A honey trap?
but into the spiders webs

Sickening
Gorgeous
Bickering
Flawless
Fabulous
Marvelous

Out of this world
Down the runway they swirled
Looking fucking cool
All we do is drool

You better work
With your lips in a smirk
It’s just a quirk
Don’t let it irk

I may be a woman
Must come clean
Maybe an omen
But I’m a wanna-be drag queen

“It’s not personal, It’s just drag” – Alyssa Edwards

drag

A Room With A View

“A place belongs forever to whoever claims it hardest, remembers it most obsessively, wrenches it from itself, shapes it, renders it, loves it so radically that he remakes it in his own image.” – Joan Didion

A Room with a View

We had been driving for a while, not sure whether this road we were on, would lead us to the right place. Everything was different now. What once were wide open fields and forest, had now transformed into a mini suburbia. It was difficult to navigate by only old images serving as maps for the familiar road taken some forty years ago.

“There, take a turn here!” I pointed out to the direction looking to lead to were I wanted to go.

The car swerved and after a moment, I started recognizing familiar landmarks, still standing after all these years despite the changes. The big boulder standing proudly at the very edge of the ledge. As
kids we use to play and re-enact our favourite TV shows, pretending the rock was part of an alien planet.

Driving further and deeper into the woods, the distances between houses were getting longer and soon I was able to see recognize some of the places long since forgotten. We had finally arrived.

Stepping out of the car I noticed the neighbours’ house was still standing on the accompanying lot, still as run down as it had been all those years ago. I wondered if anyone actually lived there anymore.

Looking at the empty spot where our home had been, I could still see some of the rocks which had been part of the foundation of the house once standing proud, laying scattered After neglect and abandonment, the run down building had finally been demolished.

I walked around in the tall grass, feeling nostalgic and remembering how it used to be. As I closed my eyes I am transported back to the old house, my playhouse, the house I was born in.

It was a warm summer’s day. I could smell the freshly cut grass and see all the flowers in bloom. The field surrounding the house was filled with yellow, the colour of dandelions.

As kids, it was really fun to blow off the seeds when the flowers had bloomed and were ready to pollinate. Little did we know we were actually helping the flowers to spread. They looked like skydivers as they slowly landed on the ground.

I turned and looked at my home, the raw wooden exterior, no creature comforts, such as running water or toilets. The outhouse was a little farther up the hill, covered by tall trees and bushes. Someone probably thought it would be a good place to hide it, so the onlookers would not find out the people actually went to the toilet in those days.

As I moved closer, I saw my grandmother sitting in the swing. She loved that swing. She sat there for hours on end, watching us kids play in the yard. I waved to her and continue inside. I was thirsty and I knew there was a pitcher of cool lemonade in the kitchen. In those days a refrigerator was a luxury and we did not have one.

To keep things cool, there were sort of holes or wells dug into to the ground, filled with cool ground water. The food was then put into a bucket and lowered into the hole. Our kitchen had one in the middle of the floor and it was handy especially during hot days like this one was.

The house itself was small, two bedrooms, a living room and the kitchen. There was electricity coming into the house, for lamps and such. And of course to the piece de resistance, the television. The only one in a ten mile radius. The neighbour kids and I used to gather in the house every Sunday afternoon to watch our favourite TV show, Thunderbirds. Even grandfather sat with us kids and watched the show in awe.

As I entered the house, I walked through a small foyer: It was really a tiny space between two doors before actually entering the inside of the house. When guests arrived, there usually was a queue waiting for entry into the house. Each in turn taking off their shoes, leaving them in the foyer and then entering.

I quickly stepped out of my clogs and entered the kitchen. The opposite wall was filled with cupboards and a sink. And of course no running water nor sewers. The long kitchen table surrounded by twelve chairs dominated the room. At Christmas and holidays we used to gather around it with family and friends.

I went to the “well” and opened the hatch. Hoisting the bucket up and taking one bottle. Putting the bucket back, closing the hatch. Walking to the cupboards, I took two glasses out. Satisfied I carried my items outside to where my grandmother was sitting.

After pouring the cool lemonade in the glasses and offering one to my grandmother, I sat down in the swing beside her. Letting the gentle swing and the warm summer breeze lull me into sleep.

After for what seemed an eternity, I finally opened my eyes and I was back in the present. The grass still green, field still filled with yellow dandelions, smiling at the warm memories of childhood and my trip back in time.

Keep your enemies closer

If I waited till I felt like writing, I would never write at all -Anne Tyler

Keep your enemies closer

Hi, my name is Gun and I’m my worst enemy.

It took some ten plus years until I found my muse again and started writing, creatively that is.
Call it a prolonged writer’s block, procrastinating, pure laziness or just life itself, I could always find an excuse for not writing. It was never about not having the ideas or the opportunity to write.

And still, all this time I considered myself a closet writer.

Then it hit me, the reason why I was not writing. It was plain as rain. I was my worst enemy.

Feeling self-conscious and always too critical of what I had written. Thinking all had already been said and done. Wondering if anyone would actually read my stories and would they even like them.

What happened next?

Guess I grew older, got more mature and comfortable in my own skin? Or then I just realized I had to give it a try once more, just to be sure. I did not want to have any regrets later because of giving up or not trying at all.

So now I am writing again.

I have a blog, I write stories and yes, I am even dabbling in the world of script writing.

Have I changed?

Not really, I am still very critical with my own work, doubting if it’s even readable, but every day I succeed in writing anything, I feel exhilarated.

My Brain has Too many Tabs Open

“How ghastly for her, people actually thinking, with their brains, and right next door. Oh, the travesty of it all.” ― Gail Carriger, Soulless

My Brain has Too many Tabs Open

Work
Eat
Sleep
Repeat

Filling my mind with (useful and) useless information
Keeping up with the latest situation

Internet
Radio
Television
Stereo

Hard at work
Mind in full play
If you do not reboot
There will be hell to pay

A warning

Your start up disk is almost full

Ignoring

All command functions are off line

My internal screen goes dark
There is absolutely no spark

Staring in the mirror
At my blank face
A blank page

Cold water against my skin
But neither circuit nor pin
Makes the connection to my brain

Your system has encountered an error
Oh the terror
Loosing my ground
while seeing the message
Page not found

Scanning my mind
But nothing I find
Search button pressed once more
Hoping some data to score

Panic strikes
Trying to hide
My head in a bush
Feeling the rush
To backup my data
Sooner than later

Processing…

Internal error detected
Crash report has been sent as expected

Complete system restore
Reboot in one, two, three, four…

A slumber I fall
Hearing my dreams call

Power down complete

Early next morning
Waking up from my snoring

System initializing
Complete scanning in progress
No further errors detected

Finally rid of the ogres
My mind again protected

All is in ship shape and Bristol fashion
Need to start up in rations

Restore was successful
Having my mind full
With all that extra bull
Now in clear mind
I can rewind

Until my next reboot
I have some space to fill
It would be a real hoot
If I had the will
And way
To let some of it get away

The circle is complete

Work
Eat
Sleep
Repeat


Lesson learnt: “Sometimes it’s good to just take a day off, from everything, really!”

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Some Social Media Bullshit

‘Connecting people – The artist formerly known as Nokia’

27b1c2cdef8246d2f895bba44cc14f97

Some Social Media Bullshit

You don’t have to like it, but have to be in there: The social media of the world wide web. After all, who wants to be a complete social outcast!

Here are a few examples of what can be used for keeping in touch with family, friends and even your favourite movie stars!

* Assbook: Like opinions, everyone has more than one
* Angstagram: I post photos of myself and my eating habits, therefore I am
* Bitter: You would be too if no one is following you, right?
* Benchpress: For every self aware blabber, but more artistic ;P
* Tiedup: A must for professionals, endorse endorse endorse until you drop!
* You-boob: You did something stupid, maybe flashed a body part usually hidden, it got on video and uploaded on the internet and now you are the star of your own show!

A typical modern person’s day

@In the morning
The alarm clock is going off, it’s time to get up.
What is the first thing you do?

#Pick up your phone from the night stand and:

A) Check your social media apps
B) Check your email

@Driving in the car to your place of work.
Listening to the radio and the DJ is urging you to snap a photo and upload it to their site:

#uploadfunnypic

A) You are snapping selfies and almost bumping into the car that stopped in front of you. (The other driver possibly doing the same thing as you).
B) You are twatting your social media buddies of what you just did.

@Lunch time everyone with their phones in their respective hands. Not one word is spoken to anyone ‘live’, but they all are:

A) Chatting (and oh yes, there are actually office use approved ones too: Yank!)
B) Updating statuses on various social media apps.
C) Uploading photos of what they ate (of course, a must for every self aware social medialite).
D) Someone shared a funny video and twatted the link to everyone else around the table.
E) Everyone watching the video.
F) Everyone twatting feedback to each other.

@Coffee break everyone is:

A) Uploading photos of coffee and doughnuts they will consume.
B) Chatting with the people around the coffee table.

Back home from the office.

@Dinner table the family is sharing a meal and their respective day:

A-F apply here too.

@Midnight, bedtime:

A) Time to recap today’s event in your “blab”.
B) Latest friend updates to be checked (so not to miss any important things such as what your friends ate or what they were watching on TV, etc.)
C) Twatting everyone

#g’night!

Sometimes though, you have to be more low tech. For example in the situation, where your respective spouse is not quite on the same level of enlightenment regarding the social conventions of the social media as you are. Then you have to resort to archaic methods like the SMS.

Wishing your spouse

#sweet dreams xoxo

Lesson learnt:
Getting anything done; 3% is talent, 97% is staying off the internet.

 

social-media

Service or no Service, That is the Question

“Someone calling oneself a customer says
she wants something called service?”

Service or no Service, That is the Question

Those of us who work in the field of Information Technology know very well, that nothing is as certain: If something can go wrong, it will go wrong, especially when you least expect it. Oddly enough, the supposedly most reliable functionality used on daily bases tends to break down most frequently.

This is also true for any IT related appliances. Then you realize you need to call for help. But sometimes it seems getting the support for the actual issue at hand can be difficult at best.

For your amusement, a telecommunication between a PC Help Desk agent and the end user as it may have happened in real life:

“PC Service Desk, how may I help you today?”

“Hello, Yes, I have a problem with my emails, it seems I cannot send any.”

“I see. Would you be able to answer a few basic questions before we can start troubleshooting your issue?”

“Yes of course, fire away!”

“Thank you Ma’am. First question: Have you been diagnosed with any kind of debilitating disorder?”

“Umm… no.”

“Good. Next question: Are you currently experiencing nausea, dizziness, headache or dryness of the mouth?”

“No?”

“OK. Moving on: Do you feel numbness or swelling in any of your extremities?”

“No!”

“Are you currently on any kind of medication?”

* Getting annoyed *

“What has any of this got to do with my issue with email?”

“Just answer the questions Ma’am so we may move on!”

“Fine! I took some antihistamine this morning.”

“I see. Would you mind if we establish a link to your PC?”

“No of course not, please do!”

“Excellent. When you see the pop-up window, just click on the ‘accept’ choice”

“Done”

* A window with a face of the Help Desk person appears on the PC screen *

“Can you see me Ma’am?”

“Yes I see you clearly.”

“Great, we can see you as well.”

“OK, so now can we get back to my issue?”

“Hold on Ma’am. Can you stand up?”

“What?”

“Please stand up!”

“OK, standing up!”

“Now, please walk a few meters in a straight line to your left, then back to your right”

* Shaking head but complying *

“Walking…”

“Perfect. Now, stand perfectly still, move your right hand to the tip of your nose and back down again.”

* Frustrated sigh *

“OK…”

“Fine, now please do the same with your left hand.”

* Requested activity completed *

“Excellent Ma’am! We are all done here. Thank you for your co-operation and calling our emergency service desk! Have an excellent day!”

“What the… hold on! What of my issue with the email?”

“HAVE A GREAT DAY MA’AM! Goodbye!”

“But.. OK, Bye!”

* Sighing hevily *

* Looking around the office for colleagues *

“Does anyone else have an issue with their email?”

“Yes!”
“Me too!”
“Yup!”
“Diddo!”

“Did any of you call the help desk?”

“NO!”
“Never!”
“Not me!”
“Not in a million years!”

Saying out loud: “OK, then! Guess it’s back to work!”

Thinking: ‘Guess I just have to fix the issue myself!’

Lesson learned: “Self service is the best service!”

 

bad-customer-service

The Definition of God?

“God is the most popular star in human history:
Loved, hated, or talked about by almost every person ever walked on planet Earth”

The Definition of God?

When I was a very young child, I thought God was an old, largely built man with white hair and beard, sitting on a cloud, playing his harp.

To be fair, I may also have confused God with Santa Claus, since they basically share the same appearance, apart from the red suite and reindeer.

When I was a child of school age, God was the magician who granted wishes through prayer.

Maybe I have watched too many Harry Potter movies? Rubeus Hagrid had a similar, albeit darker setup going on as the God image from my childhood.

When I was a teenager, before and during the Confirmation School, God was the guy starring in the Bible.

Or was it Charlton Heston?

When I reached maturity and got more spiritual, the definition of God started to get more blurred from a “person” to a “being” type thing.

Watching the X-Files and other alien types of “documentaries” did not help. Was God a “dude in a white beard” or some type of alien being after all?

Now in my fifties, comfortable in my own skin and being, my definition of God has definitely been clarified:

God is a very hot mature lady:
Prancing around in a sparkly red and extremely short skin tight dress.
Wearing six inch stiletto heels.
She likes things done her way (and only her way).
Arguing with her is pointless and resistance is futile.
You are clearly aware if she is not pleased or happy.
In her spare time she drives around in a red sports car.
And, likes her drinks shaken not stirred.

PS. She may also be a drag queen.

 

god

The incredible lightness of being… Naked

“What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course” – Marilyn Monroe

The incredible lightness of being… Naked

“Hanging around naked can be fun, whether you are driving your car, shopping groceries or just hanging in your neighbour’s yard barbequing. This of course only applies if you are a nudist and resident of a nudist colony!”

The Finns may be an odd bunch among the rest of the so-called civilized western world. Sitting around in a steaming small and fully packed room, naked in something they refer to as “sauna”. Be that with their family, a group of friends or neighbors and even ones nearest colleagues. Sometimes even with a group of strangers will suffice when visiting the public swimming pool.

They also like to take naked dips in a lake during wintertime when the temperature has dropped below zero and the water is really icy cold. If you are courageous enough and willing to imitate this behaviour, beware though, some shrinkage may occur.

Myself I also like the cool air against my naked skin, especially after the shower in the morning, running around the house in my birthday suit. This may of course cause some temporary blindness in those whose fate it is to stare inside just when I am passing the windows.

There are those who are ashamed of their bodies and try to hide and cover them in every possible situation, even though these bodies would be in sync to the general consensus of a “beautiful body” what ever that term means. I personally subscribe to the notion of “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” and what ever form the body may be is fine as long as you are comfortable in your own skin.

I got my first touch of “shame” of one’s nakedness while visiting UK when I was seventeen. While camping there, the facilities were public of course including the showers. Being the shameless Finn, I undressed outside the stall, took a quick shower and came out again naked to dress up. The rest of the Brits went in fully dressed, which seemed an odd thing to do. But as it turned out they did take their clothes off for the actual shower! Mind you, these were not unisex showers, but separate for the ladies and gents, so there was no visible need for this behaviour.

Posing for artistic and tasteful nude photographs in one’s youth seems to be allowed, especially if you have the body for it. Posing in your later years or if you have put on some weight is a definite no-no, at least as per what is socially acceptable.

Fair warning though: If you aim for any of the following positions posing in nude photos is a definite negatory:

* Teacher
* Politician
* Basically any kind of public figure
* Beauty pageant contestant

These photos will turn up when you least expect them and bite you right in the derriere, pun intended! However if your goal is to be an entertainer in the so-called adult industry, posing nude will give you excellent practice for it!

This writer does not subscribe to the above mentioned social convention, but has a more open mind where nudity is concerned and in conclusion, quoting the famous Drag artist RuPaul:

“We are all born naked and the rest is Drag”

 

nude