Some Social Media Bullshit

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‘Connecting people – The artist formerly known as Nokia’

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Some Social Media Bullshit

You don’t have to like it, but have to be in there: The social media of the world wide web. After all, who wants to be a complete social outcast!

Here are a few examples of what can be used for keeping in touch with family, friends and even your favourite movie stars!

* Assbook: Like opinions, everyone has more than one
* Angstagram: I post photos of myself and my eating habits, therefore I am
* Bitter: You would be too if no one is following you, right?
* Benchpress: For every self aware blabber, but more artistic ;P
* Tiedup: A must for professionals, endorse endorse endorse until you drop!
* You-boob: You did something stupid, maybe flashed a body part usually hidden, it got on video and uploaded on the internet and now you are the star of your own show!

A typical modern person’s day

@In the morning
The alarm clock is going off, it’s time to get up.
What is the first thing you do?

#Pick up your phone from the night stand and:

A) Check your social media apps
B) Check your email

@Driving in the car to your place of work.
Listening to the radio and the DJ is urging you to snap a photo and upload it to their site:

#uploadfunnypic

A) You are snapping selfies and almost bumping into the car that stopped in front of you. (The other driver possibly doing the same thing as you).
B) You are twatting your social media buddies of what you just did.

@Lunch time everyone with their phones in their respective hands. Not one word is spoken to anyone ‘live’, but they all are:

A) Chatting (and oh yes, there are actually office use approved ones too: Yank!)
B) Updating statuses on various social media apps.
C) Uploading photos of what they ate (of course, a must for every self aware social medialite).
D) Someone shared a funny video and twatted the link to everyone else around the table.
E) Everyone watching the video.
F) Everyone twatting feedback to each other.

@Coffee break everyone is:

A) Uploading photos of coffee and doughnuts they will consume.
B) Chatting with the people around the coffee table.

Back home from the office.

@Dinner table the family is sharing a meal and their respective day:

A-F apply here too.

@Midnight, bedtime:

A) Time to recap today’s event in your “blab”.
B) Latest friend updates to be checked (so not to miss any important things such as what your friends ate or what they were watching on TV, etc.)
C) Twatting everyone

#g’night!

Sometimes though, you have to be more low tech. For example in the situation, where your respective spouse is not quite on the same level of enlightenment regarding the social conventions of the social media as you are. Then you have to resort to archaic methods like the SMS.

Wishing your spouse

#sweet dreams xoxo

Lesson learnt:
Getting anything done; 3% is talent, 97% is staying off the internet.

 

social-media

Service or no Service, That is the Question

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“Someone calling oneself a customer says
she wants something called service?”

Service or no Service, That is the Question

Those of us who work in the field of Information Technology know very well, that nothing is as certain: If something can go wrong, it will go wrong, especially when you least expect it. Oddly enough, the supposedly most reliable functionality used on daily bases tends to break down most frequently.

This is also true for any IT related appliances. Then you realize you need to call for help. But sometimes it seems getting the support for the actual issue at hand can be difficult at best.

For your amusement, a telecommunication between a PC Help Desk agent and the end user as it may have happened in real life:

“PC Service Desk, how may I help you today?”

“Hello, Yes, I have a problem with my emails, it seems I cannot send any.”

“I see. Would you be able to answer a few basic questions before we can start troubleshooting your issue?”

“Yes of course, fire away!”

“Thank you Ma’am. First question: Have you been diagnosed with any kind of debilitating disorder?”

“Umm… no.”

“Good. Next question: Are you currently experiencing nausea, dizziness, headache or dryness of the mouth?”

“No?”

“OK. Moving on: Do you feel numbness or swelling in any of your extremities?”

“No!”

“Are you currently on any kind of medication?”

* Getting annoyed *

“What has any of this got to do with my issue with email?”

“Just answer the questions Ma’am so we may move on!”

“Fine! I took some antihistamine this morning.”

“I see. Would you mind if we establish a link to your PC?”

“No of course not, please do!”

“Excellent. When you see the pop-up window, just click on the ‘accept’ choice”

“Done”

* A window with a face of the Help Desk person appears on the PC screen *

“Can you see me Ma’am?”

“Yes I see you clearly.”

“Great, we can see you as well.”

“OK, so now can we get back to my issue?”

“Hold on Ma’am. Can you stand up?”

“What?”

“Please stand up!”

“OK, standing up!”

“Now, please walk a few meters in a straight line to your left, then back to your right”

* Shaking head but complying *

“Walking…”

“Perfect. Now, stand perfectly still, move your right hand to the tip of your nose and back down again.”

* Frustrated sigh *

“OK…”

“Fine, now please do the same with your left hand.”

* Requested activity completed *

“Excellent Ma’am! We are all done here. Thank you for your co-operation and calling our emergency service desk! Have an excellent day!”

“What the… hold on! What of my issue with the email?”

“HAVE A GREAT DAY MA’AM! Goodbye!”

“But.. OK, Bye!”

* Sighing hevily *

* Looking around the office for colleagues *

“Does anyone else have an issue with their email?”

“Yes!”
“Me too!”
“Yup!”
“Diddo!”

“Did any of you call the help desk?”

“NO!”
“Never!”
“Not me!”
“Not in a million years!”

Saying out loud: “OK, then! Guess it’s back to work!”

Thinking: ‘Guess I just have to fix the issue myself!’

Lesson learned: “Self service is the best service!”

 

bad-customer-service

The Definition of God?

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“God is the most popular star in human history:
Loved, hated, or talked about by almost every person ever walked on planet Earth”

The Definition of God?

When I was a very young child, I thought God was an old, largely built man with white hair and beard, sitting on a cloud, playing his harp.

To be fair, I may also have confused God with Santa Claus, since they basically share the same appearance, apart from the red suite and reindeer.

When I was a child of school age, God was the magician who granted wishes through prayer.

Maybe I have watched too many Harry Potter movies? Rubeus Hagrid had a similar, albeit darker setup going on as the God image from my childhood.

When I was a teenager, before and during the Confirmation School, God was the guy starring in the Bible.

Or was it Charlton Heston?

When I reached maturity and got more spiritual, the definition of God started to get more blurred from a “person” to a “being” type thing.

Watching the X-Files and other alien types of “documentaries” did not help. Was God a “dude in a white beard” or some type of alien being after all?

Now in my fifties, comfortable in my own skin and being, my definition of God has definitely been clarified:

God is a very hot mature lady:
Prancing around in a sparkly red and extremely short skin tight dress.
Wearing six inch stiletto heels.
She likes things done her way (and only her way).
Arguing with her is pointless and resistance is futile.
You are clearly aware if she is not pleased or happy.
In her spare time she drives around in a red sports car.
And, likes her drinks shaken not stirred.

PS. She may also be a drag queen.

 

god

The incredible lightness of being… Naked

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“What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course” – Marilyn Monroe

The incredible lightness of being… Naked

“Hanging around naked can be fun, whether you are driving your car, shopping groceries or just hanging in your neighbour’s yard barbequing. This of course only applies if you are a nudist and resident of a nudist colony!”

The Finns may be an odd bunch among the rest of the so-called civilized western world. Sitting around in a steaming small and fully packed room, naked in something they refer to as “sauna”. Be that with their family, a group of friends or neighbors and even ones nearest colleagues. Sometimes even with a group of strangers will suffice when visiting the public swimming pool.

They also like to take naked dips in a lake during wintertime when the temperature has dropped below zero and the water is really icy cold. If you are courageous enough and willing to imitate this behaviour, beware though, some shrinkage may occur.

Myself I also like the cool air against my naked skin, especially after the shower in the morning, running around the house in my birthday suit. This may of course cause some temporary blindness in those whose fate it is to stare inside just when I am passing the windows.

There are those who are ashamed of their bodies and try to hide and cover them in every possible situation, even though these bodies would be in sync to the general consensus of a “beautiful body” what ever that term means. I personally subscribe to the notion of “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” and what ever form the body may be is fine as long as you are comfortable in your own skin.

I got my first touch of “shame” of one’s nakedness while visiting UK when I was seventeen. While camping there, the facilities were public of course including the showers. Being the shameless Finn, I undressed outside the stall, took a quick shower and came out again naked to dress up. The rest of the Brits went in fully dressed, which seemed an odd thing to do. But as it turned out they did take their clothes off for the actual shower! Mind you, these were not unisex showers, but separate for the ladies and gents, so there was no visible need for this behaviour.

Posing for artistic and tasteful nude photographs in one’s youth seems to be allowed, especially if you have the body for it. Posing in your later years or if you have put on some weight is a definite no-no, at least as per what is socially acceptable.

Fair warning though: If you aim for any of the following positions posing in nude photos is a definite negatory:

* Teacher
* Politician
* Basically any kind of public figure
* Beauty pageant contestant

These photos will turn up when you least expect them and bite you right in the derriere, pun intended! However if your goal is to be an entertainer in the so-called adult industry, posing nude will give you excellent practice for it!

This writer does not subscribe to the above mentioned social convention, but has a more open mind where nudity is concerned and in conclusion, quoting the famous Drag artist RuPaul:

“We are all born naked and the rest is Drag”

 

nude

Road Rage

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“If I put the pedal to the metal I might get there on time”

Road Rage

Friday morning, last work day of the week, tried to avoid the morning rush hour at any cost.

I left earlier than usual and reached the interstate only to realize every other person and their friend had had the same idea.

I was cursing (and shouting) out loud in the car at ‘all the idiots’ hogging the lanes. Divided into two kinds of drivers; the first ones driving no faster than the speed limit, the others cris crossing from lane to lane, speeding then slowing down and speeding up again.

Myself of course being the only driver there, following all the traffic rules and driving in the best possible manner, felt allowed to chastise all the others.

I myself try to pick one lane and stick with it. I like to drive fast, so I usually choose the fastest lane, keep a few car lengths in reserve and get to my destination on time. But, for some reason the overtaking lane was filled with ‘Sunday drivers’ who were in absolutely no hurry getting anywhere particular, but they liked to drive along this lane annoying everyone else.

I have also noticed turning to a side road can be a very difficult maneuver: Starting to slow the car down a half a kilometer before the turn is ahead, leaving the others behind you wonder what is wrong. Do not bother with the turn signal, the other drivers can read your mind and know exactly what you are doing. If they don’t have ESP, shock them by turning the signaling on a few seconds before you actually turn, giving (hopefully) enough time for the drivers behind you to brake!

There is a select group of drivers, who call themselves motorcyclists. Trying to survive your fellow car driving humans is one thing, but another thing is dodging those silvery bullets passing your car in a speed of light blur from only inches away. Driving in the middle in “no-lane” and stopping for no man! I myself am more of a scooter person, driving the grandma version, pink of course, slowly and enjoying the sound of the birds singing.

A recap of how most drivers “read” in to what the usage of the traffic lights means:

* Green: The phone is ringing, stop the car to take the call and for what ever reason, do not look at the rear view mirror!
* Yellow: Accelerate, the light is almost red now, you need to reach the intersection RIGHT NOW!
* Red means GO GO GO!!

“Get off your mobile, keep your eyes on the road and put the pedal to the metal!”

road

Four Wheel Drives and Shopping Bags

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“You need to put the pedal to the metal and shift gears as low as you can in an uphill situation”

Four Wheel Drives and Shopping Bags

I have wondered for a while where people who drive massive four-wheel drives live. Is it a rural forestry area, were they would need a tractor like vehicle just to get to the main road? Or maybe they are sidelining as farmers and the car has a double function as a plow or other form of device needed on a big estate?

I myself drive a small car, even though it has four wheels. In comparison it is really a minor league moving vehicle compared to some of the “muscle cars” increasingly occupying the traffic.

I prefer a car that is low on gas, maintenance and at most times, easy to find parking space for. Sometimes referred to as “a shopping bag”, but I have no idea why, since most times you can only fit two bags in the boot at best.

There is hardly any elbow room for trying to shift gears when you are driving stick if there is a passenger sitting next to you. And if you manage to put on few pounds, then good luck trying to fit in your seat in the first place. Definitely not the best mode of transportation for any larger number of family or any larger pet than a Chihuahua.

You also need to watch out if driving in windy weather: Compared to a massive four wheel drive, the shopping bag has difficulties keeping it’s wheels on the road! Basically anytime driving over 80 kilometers per hour, the little car will start shaking like it was on the dance floor. And you start feeling your knuckles getting white while gripping the steering wheel as hard as you can.

When driving up hill, your little car usually starts with hiccups and coughing until it finally freezes if you forgot to shift the gear to lowest possible and did not remember to stomp the gas pedal as hard as you could.

Parking should be easy for a tiny car especially when up against the big muscular cars. But sometimes trying to fit in a space between two big cars parked over the allotted space can be a tricky maneuver. After a few adjustments and back and forth motions you finally manage to get into the spot without any damage. The next step is to wiggle yourself out of the car through the small crack between the slightly opened door and the car itself, pushing and pulling and squeezing your body, until you are finally out! After the acrobatic maneuver like that, you can cancel going to the gym for the day.

The lesson learned here is quite simple: “Take a bus!”

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It’s A Human… No, It’s A Drag Race!

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“We are all born naked and the rest is Drag” – RuPaul

It’s A Human… No, It’s A Drag Race!

This is Ixavier Lasloth coming live from the Galaxy near you!

Our news team is currently orbiting a small bluish rock in the farthest corner of the known universe. We are here to observe the supposedly dominant occupants of this planet they have named “Earth”. These people seem to be involved in something called the “human race”, although as to where and when the race will take place is still unclear.

We are here to observe the ritualistic behaviour of this particular species, whose skin colour is varying from a pinkish hue to darker brown shade or sometimes even red. Some of them are covered in a thick fur like layer, while others remain neutral and satisfied in their original skin.

We are in disguise to avoid any panic our strange appearance may cause in the inhabitants.

Upon closer inspection, we can clearly detect at least two distinctive sexes, but there may be more.

Although most of these creatures seem to be content in their existence, some of them rebel against the existing norm. These individuals have ventured to live their lives with their own set of rules and formed tight knit groups and living off the radar. These “outsiders” worship their heroes in an almost religious fashion.

This exceptional behaviour is the reason, why this reporter landed on this forsaken rock and decided to have a closer look.

After making contact with some of these “radical groups”, we were fortunate enough to get invited to observe one of their many rituals. The core group and their followers call themselves “De-rag Q-ueens.

We were invited to observe their masking ritual, reserved for the most elite individuals of the group. The “males” as we got to know them were performing an age old ceremony named the “drag race”.

Observing the ritual to a fault, there is a strict regime to follow:

The first step is to apply a thick layer of paint on the face. The next step is to add a head piece, which seems like a construct of some sort of animal hair. These headpieces come in every imaginative colour of the rainbow. To complete the transformation, a garment weaved with glittering items is pulled over the top half of the body. The feet are covered with footwear constructed from a leathery material and with an added feature, which seems to give the wearer more height.

When the total transformation from “male” to “female” was complete, it was time to “put on a show”.

The Q-ueens lined up and started walking in orderly fashion on what seemed to be a structure of wooden planks they had named the “cat walk”. A rhythmic beat followed by electrical lights flashing caused the Q-ueens to start producing sounds from their throats causing melodic sounds coming out from their mouths. This ritual was of a repetitive nature, where the melodies and sounds varied depending on the individual performing them. The “show” continued and the partakers managed to change their attire several times over before the ceremony was over.

All in all while observing this religious ritual in all its glory, this reporter found oneself caught in the moment; cheering and applauding at the end of the ceremony, which luckily was the accepted social convention.

While trying to get more in-depth information as to what the origin of this particular ritual was, I was fortunate to interview one of the elders among them. And the message, quite clear and directly quoted:

“We may be born naked, but surely the rest needs to be drag”
In this reporter’s opinion, this may be one of the more successful stories of Earth.

Until next time, this is Ixavier Lasloth, signing off!

 

edna

From favourite TV character idolizing to borderline obsession

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“Everything is the same as always”

From favourite TV character idolizing to borderline obsession 

We all have our favourite TV shows and in them the characters we like, some more than others. And at some point the line between liking and obsession starts to disappear and then you realize it is time to wake up, put the kettle on, the cat out for a pee and admit ‘it’s just a TV show’!

It is generally believed the TV audiences do not want anything new and exciting. They want the same old plot twists and familiar characters to appear on their small screen every week. Major dynamics’ changes between the characters or the plotline may not go well with the viewers.

Let’s face it; for most people, it’s best everything to be as black and white as possible:

The good guy needs to wear ‘the white hat’ while the bad guy is all dressed in black. The Evil Lynn is a shapely brunet with blue eyes while the girl next door is a brown-eyed blond and for heaven’s sake: Leave the gays in the closet!

I like to think myself more of a gray kind of person. That being said, this is what happened for one of my top favourite shows:

I usually try to avoid reading anything on the world wide web regarding the shows and fandom or what the actors behind the characters are like or what else they do, but for some reason I went online and googled this particular show.

Much to my dismay, I read some alarming changes to be happening in said show and after reading was close to a panic attack!

No way in hell was I going to accept these changes! It was completely off for the characters!

This ranting went on first in my head (and I might have said it out loud even a few times) and later went on and on about it in familiar company (not that anyone understood what I was on about and why I was so upset over a TV show).

So what happened is that instead of being excited about a new episode and watching it on the allotted timeslot I taped the show and did not dare to watch it.

Almost a whole week went by until I finally broke down and watched the episode. It wasn’t nearly as bad as I lead myself to understand from what I read on the Internet, but it wasn’t good either.

In the end I got over it and real life won 😉 The series still remains among my favourites, I watch it and try not to get too attached to the characters. After all, it’s only a fictional television show.

The lesson learned:

If you don’t like what you are watching, I can see three options available for you:

  1. Turn off the TV
  2. Live with the writers’ decisions
  3. Write a better story

tv

Coffee, Coffee, Coffee, and some more Coffee…

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“There really is no life before the first pot of coffee in the morning”

 

Coffee, Coffee, Coffee and some more Coffee…

Since the dawn of time when humans first dropped down from the trees and started walking, their first trip must have been to the closest Starbucks for some coffee.

Remember the classic film “2001: A Space Odyssey” and first scene where the prehistoric man is bewildered when a big black block lands before him? What if instead of the monolith a giant cup of coffee would have landed? I think we would have evolved much faster and would be more advanced today if that would have been the case 😉

But let’s move forward in time and to present day.

I have dropped in a quite a few suggestions (read request) in our office “suggestion box“: Add to the list of necessary office supplies an IV drop filled with coffee. Each worker would then be hooked into the IV every morning and during the day; a dedicated person would circulate around the office and re-fill the empty ones.

But seriously, coffee is the one good drug that keeps this world up and running. Here is an example of an ordinary working day:

1st cup: 06.00 AM: Eyes barely open reaching for my glasses on the night stand sniffing for that precious aroma. Nothing yet! Half running downstairs praying the automated coffee maker has not suffered from any kind of electrical stroke during the night and my coffee would be there waiting for me.

It is! Hallelujah let the day begin!

2nd cup: 06.20 AM: Morning ablutions behind me, standing fully clothed ready to take off to work, gulping the second cup of coffee while reaching for the door.

3rd cup: 07.00 AM: In the office, turning on the coffee machine before even reaching for the lights in the darkened office. Impatiently waiting while the machine is making its morning sounds before I can insert my coffee capsule into the damned thing and get my coffee (Note: It’s a double shot just to make sure I don’t run out before I can tackle today’s pile of work).

4th to 6th cup: 08.00 to 11.00 AM: A steady flow of “double shots” for each cup to keep up the pace of the day and a smile on my face.

7th cup: 11.30 AM: A cup of coffee to complement a tasty lunch, of course 😉

8th to 9th cup: 12.00 PM to 02.00 PM: One for each scheduled meeting for the afternoon.

10th (to 11th) cup: 02.15 PM: It is finally time for the afternoon coffee break! (In reality this is a very large cup so guess it counts for two or more…).

12th cup: 03.00 PM: Last squeeze (and cup of coffee) before the day’s work is done!

13th cup: 04.00 PM: Time to leave for home, one more for the road…

14th to Umpteenth cup: 05.00 PM to Midnight: After a full day of work, I managed a full hour of exercise, went grocery shopping and vacuumed the whole house. Albeit I was so perked up from all the coffee I managed to get to bed early (around 2 AM) after cleaning a few closets and taking the dog out three times during the evening for a brisk walk and of course, having a cup of coffee here and there; P

The lesson learned: There is no such thing as too much coffee!

 

By the way, last time I had my yearly check up at the doctors, the conclusion was: there was far too much blood in my caffeine circulation!

 

coffee