Back in time

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“When I was kid, my social network was called ‘outside’ “

Back in time

This is the work one of pure fiction. Neither polar bears nor reindeer were harmed in the creation of this literary process!
The year was 1924.

Longitude and latitude: Somewhere up north, thataway! The Finnish Lapland would probably be the most accurate location for this tale.

How old was I?

I guess I was somewhere between ten and twelve years of age. In those days, people were born and they died. No one really bothered with the record keeping. Lord knows there were plenty of us to go around.

Despite the fact it was close to midsummer, there was still snow on the ground. The reindeer and polar bears were roaming the streets while us kids were running around, having snowball fights. That is, during the minimum spare time we had between school, chores and work. Sleeping in those days was a luxury. Sometimes we had a full night’s sleep, sometimes the watch duty fell on my plate and I needed to stay up all night. Luckily, coffee had been invented ten years prior and we were all pretty much hooked on the sweet dark liquid.

Our housing for the winter months was an igloo, which the whole family constructed out of ice. Snow was used as plaster to fill in any holes between the blocks of ice. During the summer time, we had a tent like structure made out of bear and deer skin. Unfortunately all of us favoured the winter dwelling for one simple fact: The summer house stunk like a skunk. The choice of material was not a good one, but then, it was depression and all commodities were scarce.

The trip to school, either winter or summer time was made on skis and it was part to the exercise curriculum for all of us still eligible for the classes. A twenty kilometer trip back and forth was not a big deal and was building the strength and endurance nicely. This also came in handy for our after school activities. Some of us went to work in the coal mines, while others were herding rein deer or taking care of their younger siblings.

Each Saturday the Sauna was heated and all the family gathered into the cramped little room, heated up to eighty degrees. We were sitting all butt cheek to butt cheek in the nude on a wooden construct in the small dark room. Only the burning fire in the stove gave some lighting. As a luffa, a loosely tied bunch of birch tree branches with leaves on them was used. Out mother pummeled us with the concoction and me thinks she enjoyed it a little too much. Granted we children gave her grieve sometimes, so I will give her that.

Bathing for us then meant taking dips in the icy, below freezing waters. This, after we had first heated our body temperatures close to baking. Then we ran naked to the lake, where a large hole had been dug into the ice and plunged in.

All in all life was pretty ordinary and uneventful in my childhood, apart from the minor quirks.

Do I miss it? My childhood?

I would rather spend my next holiday on a labour camp!

 

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Time for a Reality Check?

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Part Three of REALITY? WHO’S BRILLIANT IDEA WAS THAT?

reality?-rant

“It is strange because sometimes, I read a book, and I think I am the people in the book”

Time for a Reality Check?

So there I was, in the middle of the woods, all by my lonesome. No where to hide, no where to run.
I was in for a challenge. Not only because of me detoxing from the fiction I was greatly hooked up on at this point, but also living in an archaic house without any creature comforts.

I watched the car drive off, and then I was finally alone. Time to start the battle with the demons!
I went inside the wooden cabin finding a layer of dust settling on the surfaces. Sighing deeply and thinking ‘Welcome to the labour camp’. Placing my rucksack on the chair closest to me, I rolled up my sleeves and started cleaning up.

Windows and door open to get the air circulating. Making do with an old broom to swipe the floors. Luckily I had brought some cleaning wipes with me. Those would come in handy while dusting the surfaces.

A few hours later I looked around and the place was spick and span clean. It was time for the evening meal and I was unpacking my bag. I had several cans of food, some crackers and a juice canister. Now all I needed was water and wood!

The rest of my day went pretty much doing chors like cutting wood and hauling water from the well.
A few more hours went by and I was inside getting the wooden stow started. When the fire was burning nicely, I opened one of the cans, pea soup of course, good for any camper!

It was night fall and I had my little oil lamp burning and the fire was going keeping me warm. It had been a little bit of an effort, but luckily some smart Alec had written instructions now hanging on the wall next to fireplace.

So there I was without a care in the world, my stomach full with soup and juice. I was wondering how people managed to get anything else done in the olden days. Most of the daylight hours seemed to be wasted on cleaning and gathering necessities for meal preparation.

Then I realized I needed to use the facilities. Unfortunately there was only an outhouse and it was a bit tricky to navigate there in the dark. I had my torch with me so that helped a little. I just hoped no wildlife were close by feeling peckish and thinking I was food.

The routine for the two week period was pretty much the same every day. Get up at dawn, because the birds were screaming in the trees, hunt and gather for nourishment. The cottage grounds actually had a pretty good assortment of various berries and luckily it was the season for most of them.

In the end, I did not even miss reading, anything, fiction or otherwise. I didn’t have time, when the real life hit me hard, and using a log to do it!

Let’s see what happens when I finally get back home, where all the temptations await me!

reality-check-101-4c

The Observer

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“There’s no way to remove the observer – us – from our perceptions of the world” Stephen Hawking

The Observer

I was sitting in the coffee shop, my well-deserved latte in front of me. I was content in emerging into my daily readings on my tablet, but for some reason my eyes kept wandering to the hassle in the bar. Patrons were leaving and new ones were stepping into the shop.

‘Why not!’ I thought. I could play the part of the observer for a little while before continuing my own tasks. Who knows, maybe I would pick up an idea or two for my next writing project.

Sipping my coffee, I noticed the young couple in the corner booth. They were enjoying each others’ company, looking each other in the eye, no words were spoken. New love was in the air.

Feeling like a peeping Tom, I search for something else to gaze upon. My eyes were scanning the room and landed on a woman with three offspring. The mother was deep in thought, or so it seemed, reading the newspaper while her children were throwing napkins, straws and other small items at each other. I wondered how she managed to turn off the surroundings. The patrons at the next table however were not so lucky. Shaking their heads, they grabbed their orders and moved to another table at the farther end the coffee shop.

I laughed a little at the scene played out before me. Good thing I had been thinking ahead and chose the solitary spot close to the windows in the corner. I had a clear view of the whole establishment, but I was also able to concentrate on my reading if I wanted to.

I thought to seek out one more scene before tuning myself out. I noticed the waitresses behind the bar having a heated conversation. I was not able to hear what they were talking about, but clearly the other one was angry about something and kept on ranting, while the other one was just listening in. Wide eyed, nodding every now and again. The angry one was waving her arms in the air, while the quiet one remained stationary, her hands seemed almost glued to her sides. It seemed from an observer’s perspective, the ranter was in charge in that particular relationship, while the listener did just that and probably agreed to everything the ranter told her.

I lost my interest after a little while and noticed the coffee house getting emptier. Guess the rush was over and I could get back to my reading.

observer

Give and Take?

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argument

 

“In a deal, you give and take. You compromise. Then you grab the cash and catch the next train out of town” Irving Paul Lazar

Give and Take?

I told you so, but you never listen!

A “conversation” between two people about everything and nothing as it may have happened.

“You are so thick headed aren’t you!”

“So I’m the one who is the bad guy again, huh?”

“Well you are. There is no arguing about that!”

“So you are blaming me about everything that has gone wrong?”

“Yes, what’s your point?”

“No point. It’s hilarious! You are hilarious!”

“So now you are saying I’m a joke? Is that it?”

“No, I said you must be joking.”

“That’s not what I heard.”

“Then there must be something wrong with your hearing.”

“So now you are complaining about my ability to understand you!”

“No, I said you understand things in your own way.”

“Are you calling me stupid? If you are I will show you stupid…!”

“Good grief! Read my lips: You are stubborn!”

“Just because I hear and understand something differently than you, that makes me stubborn?”

“Potato, tomato!”

“Are you mocking me?”

“No.”

“It sure sounded like you were.”

“You heard me wrong then!”

“Again with the hearing! I am not deaf you know!”

“What was the point?”

“What point?”

“Why are we arguing?”

“I dunno. The weather is not so good today?”

“No it’s not. The forecast promised sunshine tomorrow though.”

“Sounds good.”

“Yep.”

“Yep.”

“Ok then!”

“Yep.”

 

Sometimes an argument is just that. The words are not important. The point of it is, there was no point to begin with. A bad day can cause feelings to run amuck. Venting with someone you trust and then forgetting about it is cathartic.

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Caricature Characters

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“Character is a word that seems to define almost all human activity and then some…” Richard Reeves

Caricature Characters

Writer’s note: This is a fictional story. No real character was harmed during the creative process.

A start for the week in the office. We were expecting a new addition to the fold today and not just anyone, it was our new boss. I was sitting at my desk sorting out my inbox when a colleague came by and said:

“Did you see her?” He asked.

“Her who?” I responded

“The new boss, she was just in the coffee area.” He continued.

“She?” I had not realized we would finally be getting a female leader.

“Yes, we have ourselves a new lady boss!” He half joked, but I could see in his eyes he really wasn’t.

The way he had reacted did not sound promising, no, not at all good! It seemed he and the new manager had not gotten along so well.

“Oh.” My short answer.

“Yeah, well, guess it will all turn out good.” He remarked cryptically, having a worried look on his face.

“No, how did she seem to you?” Now I was getting alarmed too.

The idea of having a woman in charge and as my boss had been an intriguing one. However, I would have preferred a nice strong “human” leader and not a queen bitch. Well, men usually tended to have their preconceptions when female leaders were concerned. Therefore I thought it was just his opinion, nothing more. Possibly due to being intimidated by a woman boss. And if there is anything I have learnt, it is to ignore those myself, since people never give good first impressions.

“Yeah. Why don’t you go and get some coffee and see for yourself.” He urged me.

“Yeah, as soon as I have today’s agenda sorted out.” I told him. It was a lie, I had sorted my tasks already and I never said no to more coffee.

I was sitting at my desk doing all kinds of non urgent tasks, procrastinating, buying my time. Finally gathering enough courage, I got up and made my way to the coffee room.

Just before entering the area, I heard a loud and full laugh coming from the area. ‘That was new’, I thought.

I entered and saw the two worst ass kissers in the office chatting up our new department head. Probably sucking up to the boss telling her all kinds of little lies.

I quietly snuck myself into the room and went to the coffee machine, trying to be as quite as possible. As Mr Murphy would have it, I managed to make a loud noise, while reaching for the cup from the fully stocked cupboard. The cup then fell out with an audible sound. I managed to grab the cup before it fell on the floor and broke, hoping not to have alerted the trio’s attention. I poured coffee into the cup and turned towards the table, where my office mates and new boss were standing.

I could not help staring. She was the epiphany of a modern executive. Dressed in a tailored power suit, her dark hair neatly cut in a bob. And of course, she was wearing stiletto heels. I know my jaw was dropped. I looked at myself, dressed casually: Jeans, t-shirt and sneakers. I could not believe my luck! Remember what I said about first impressions? Well I might have been wrong after all.

The new boss lady looked at me, clearly assessing who or what I was. Guess she decided I was safe enough and with an evil grin she said:

“Nice catch!” Commenting on my blunder with the coffee cup.

I was dumbfounded. It took some time for me to gain my speech ability back.

“I was, um, Thanks!” I managed.

“So, what department are you part of?” She asked. Not my name, not a hello nice to meet you. I was getting the sinking feeling my co-worker had been right in his assessment regarding our new lady boss after all!

“IT.” Short answer. All I could manage.

“Oh, so you are the contractor!” She sounded like it was an infectious disease. At least that’s the way I heard it.

“I um (again), yes. I am the administrator for the platform.” Wow! I finally managed to get a sentence out from my mouth.

“Is that a fact.” Her expression was starting to change rapidly and she seemed to be nodding in approval. “I have heard good things about you.” She finally said with a smile.

Once again she managed to surprise me and leave me astonished with my mouth open like a goldfish whose bowl just broke and the water was spilled all over the floor.

“That, that is good to hear.” I managed finally.

She then did the unthinkable thing. She stepped closer, standing next to me, completely ignoring her brown nosing fans and talked to me.

“You and I should have a chat soon. I have some plans for the IT improvements and I would like your input.” She was still smiling while she was speaking to me.

“Great.” I seemed to have so much difficulty in talking with her, my sentences reducing to one syllable ones.

“Excellent! Why don’t you book us an appointment and let’s move forward from there!” She told me.

She then turned around, but before she left, she said: “It was really good to meet you!” And she was gone.

“Good to meet you too!” I was half shouting after her, as she was almost gone.

First impressions, forget them! My new boss and I; I am sure we will have a great and fruitful working relationship after all!

TO BE CONTINUED?

queen

Reality? Who’s Brilliant Idea Was That?

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Part Two of Serially Lost in Fiction

reality-check-101-4c

“Losing an illusion makes you wiser than finding a truth”  Ludwig Borne

Reality? Who’s Brilliant Idea Was That?

“You really need to pull it together and clean up your act!”

The words still echoing in my head from the intervention. The whole thing had made me extremely angry. But after my initial tantrum had subsided, I was willing to admit I had a problem.

So now, I needed a plan, but it was going to be hard. I had two choices, to gradually wean myself off of all that fiction and fantasy or go cold turkey. I estimated it would take around two to three weeks or so either way. I chose the latter option. I did not trust myself, suspecting the gradual way I would only make excuses and not read any less.

The options at hand would be then to:

a) Get rid of every single piece of technology or readable book.
b) Lock myself in an empty room at home.
c) Travel to a far away place, preferably a cottage in the middle of the forest somewhere without any creature comforts.

I chose plan c. It seemed the best option, since my family owned a cottage some hundred kilometers up north. There was no electricity, no running water, basically nothing but survival against the wilderness. Well, to be honest, the nearest shop was only five kilometres away, so not a god forsaken place after all.

Since the margin of me running off mid process, my family opted to drive me there and I would then have a bike to use for my trips to buy groceries. And that being my only option of transportation, it would be highly unlikely I would run off on a bike.

So it was agreed and I was on my way to the cottage in the woods with only my necessities.

reality?-rant

Next stop: Time for a Reality Check?

Be careful what you wish for!

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“Not today Satan! Not today.” Bianca Del Rio

Be careful what you wish for!

Not another rejection! I was getting sick and tired of working my respective derriere off and for what? For nothing, thank you very much. No matter what I wrote, how I wrote or how many submissions I sent in, all my work got rejected.

“I would make a deal with the devil if I would finally get a chance!” I shouted out loud in the empty room.

The lights flickered and all got dark.

“Oh hell, not another power outage again!” I tried to feel my way in the darkness, but as I moved around, I realized I wasn’t bumping into any kind of obstacles, like the furniture or scattered stuff lying on the floor in my room.

Then I could see a bright spot in the distance. By instinct I started walking towards the light. When I reached the light, I noticed I had actually been transported to some place completely different. The surroundings reminded vaguely of some of the cardboard sets from many a sci-fi film I had seen. The place was surrounded by a heavy mist, like someone had gone wild with a smoke machine. Luckily I had taken my asthma medicine earlier.

I walked around and wondered whether I was dreaming or abducted by some funky disco loving aliens.

“Hello! Anyone home?” I shouted.

Then wooshing sound and flash of light and, there she was, standing before me in a catsuit like leathery outfit. She looked at me, clearly assessing who and what I was.

“So you would like to be famous?” She asked me.

“Who are you?” I was a not sure whether this was a dream or I had been set up by Candid Camera.

“Beelzebub.” She answered.

“Come again?” What the f..k? I was thinking this definitely had to be a set up.

She looked at me annoyed.

“You know as in Old Nick, Lucifer, the Tempter, Prince of Darkness? Ring a bell for you?”

I shook my head.

“Satan!” She shouted out loud her voice echoing in the setting.

“Ah!” I finally got it, “What’s with the decoy? Why not come right in front and introduce yourself like “Hi, I am Satan, nice to meet you!” I asked trying to lighten the mood.

She, Satan stared at me and I got a little worried then. My skin was burning a little. For what ever reason, I wasn’t sure.

“I heard you were ready to deal.” Satan stated matter of factually.

“Maybe,” I tried nonchalantly not believing my luck! “What kind of deal did you have in mind?”

“Well I can make you rich and famous and all that entails as.. What was it again you said you were, a writer?”

“Yeah!” So, not all knowing after all, I thought.

“Writer. Yes, well I have several of those, but if that is what you want to be then who am I to argue.” Satan responded, looking at me eyes flaming.

“What exactly would it entail? The deal I mean?” My curiosity was peaked, but this sounded too good of a deal to really be true.

“Well do you think you are any good as a writer now?” Satan asked me.

Motioning my hand in comme ci comme ça -manner. “Meh?”

“Well, despite your short comings, I can make sure what ever word fall from your pen or what is it you humans are using now, keyboard?”

I nodded.

“I can make sure it’s all gold and you will become a renowned writer.”

I was really hooked now.

“What do I have to do?”

Another woosh sounded.

“Simply put on them red slippers and click your heels three times!” Satan pointed at the newly appeared footwear.

I was hesitant, red wasn’t really my colour.

“I don’t know. Can I see that in an other colour?”

I could see Satan’s eyes widen and sure, there was smoke coming out of her ears.

“You dare to contradict me?” She was furious.

Oh, oh. I had angered the devil, not good. I was worried I might loose the deal. And red was fine. I could always accessorize and buy a red bag, maybe a matching hat…

“Fine! Don’t get your knickers in a bunch! I will put the red slippers on, no problem!” I slipped the shoes on one by one and pointed at them: “See! Chill out Satan!”

She grinned wickedly: “Excellent! Now click your heels three times.”

“Seriously?” I asked. I thought I heard that line in a movie some place.

“Do as I damn well say!” Satan clearly had anger management issues.

“OK, I will. Look, I am doing it.”

And with that said, I clicked my heels, one, two, three times. The lights flickered again. Everything went dark.

“Not this again! Been there done that, now bring on the light!” I shouted in despair.

Then the lights came on. I was back in my, room?

It wasn’t my room, not at least the way I left it. It was a huge room with nice furniture and all kinds of gorgeous glittery things around. I looked around in awe. Where was I?

I noticed a newspaper on the table. I went to look to find more clues as to where and why. My heart skipped a beat. The headline stated “Premier for ‘Dancing with the Devil in the pale moonlight’ written by the famous author, Gun Roswell”

I glanced at my feet. And, I was still wearing the red slippers on my feet!

“You have to be careful what you wish for. What you think you want, may be more than you can handle!”

wish

A Wanna-be Drag Queen

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“I Look Fuckin’ Cool” – Adore Delano & Alaska Thunderfuck

A Wanna-be Drag Queen

There is just something
to be said
About a man
in a dress
Not one hair
in a mess
Everyone staring
at big earrings

A Sculpted body
and lean legs
The woman embodies
A honey trap?
but into the spiders webs

Sickening
Gorgeous
Bickering
Flawless
Fabulous
Marvelous

Out of this world
Down the runway they swirled
Looking fucking cool
All we do is drool

You better work
With your lips in a smirk
It’s just a quirk
Don’t let it irk

I may be a woman
Must come clean
Maybe an omen
But I’m a wanna-be drag queen

“It’s not personal, It’s just drag” – Alyssa Edwards

drag

My Brain has Too many Tabs Open

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“How ghastly for her, people actually thinking, with their brains, and right next door. Oh, the travesty of it all.” ― Gail Carriger, Soulless

My Brain has Too many Tabs Open

Work
Eat
Sleep
Repeat

Filling my mind with (useful and) useless information
Keeping up with the latest situation

Internet
Radio
Television
Stereo

Hard at work
Mind in full play
If you do not reboot
There will be hell to pay

A warning

Your start up disk is almost full

Ignoring

All command functions are off line

My internal screen goes dark
There is absolutely no spark

Staring in the mirror
At my blank face
A blank page

Cold water against my skin
But neither circuit nor pin
Makes the connection to my brain

Your system has encountered an error
Oh the terror
Loosing my ground
while seeing the message
Page not found

Scanning my mind
But nothing I find
Search button pressed once more
Hoping some data to score

Panic strikes
Trying to hide
My head in a bush
Feeling the rush
To backup my data
Sooner than later

Processing…

Internal error detected
Crash report has been sent as expected

Complete system restore
Reboot in one, two, three, four…

A slumber I fall
Hearing my dreams call

Power down complete

Early next morning
Waking up from my snoring

System initializing
Complete scanning in progress
No further errors detected

Finally rid of the ogres
My mind again protected

All is in ship shape and Bristol fashion
Need to start up in rations

Restore was successful
Having my mind full
With all that extra bull
Now in clear mind
I can rewind

Until my next reboot
I have some space to fill
It would be a real hoot
If I had the will
And way
To let some of it get away

The circle is complete

Work
Eat
Sleep
Repeat


Lesson learnt: “Sometimes it’s good to just take a day off, from everything, really!”

tabs

Some Social Media Bullshit

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‘Connecting people – The artist formerly known as Nokia’

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Some Social Media Bullshit

You don’t have to like it, but have to be in there: The social media of the world wide web. After all, who wants to be a complete social outcast!

Here are a few examples of what can be used for keeping in touch with family, friends and even your favourite movie stars!

* Assbook: Like opinions, everyone has more than one
* Angstagram: I post photos of myself and my eating habits, therefore I am
* Bitter: You would be too if no one is following you, right?
* Benchpress: For every self aware blabber, but more artistic ;P
* Tiedup: A must for professionals, endorse endorse endorse until you drop!
* You-boob: You did something stupid, maybe flashed a body part usually hidden, it got on video and uploaded on the internet and now you are the star of your own show!

A typical modern person’s day

@In the morning
The alarm clock is going off, it’s time to get up.
What is the first thing you do?

#Pick up your phone from the night stand and:

A) Check your social media apps
B) Check your email

@Driving in the car to your place of work.
Listening to the radio and the DJ is urging you to snap a photo and upload it to their site:

#uploadfunnypic

A) You are snapping selfies and almost bumping into the car that stopped in front of you. (The other driver possibly doing the same thing as you).
B) You are twatting your social media buddies of what you just did.

@Lunch time everyone with their phones in their respective hands. Not one word is spoken to anyone ‘live’, but they all are:

A) Chatting (and oh yes, there are actually office use approved ones too: Yank!)
B) Updating statuses on various social media apps.
C) Uploading photos of what they ate (of course, a must for every self aware social medialite).
D) Someone shared a funny video and twatted the link to everyone else around the table.
E) Everyone watching the video.
F) Everyone twatting feedback to each other.

@Coffee break everyone is:

A) Uploading photos of coffee and doughnuts they will consume.
B) Chatting with the people around the coffee table.

Back home from the office.

@Dinner table the family is sharing a meal and their respective day:

A-F apply here too.

@Midnight, bedtime:

A) Time to recap today’s event in your “blab”.
B) Latest friend updates to be checked (so not to miss any important things such as what your friends ate or what they were watching on TV, etc.)
C) Twatting everyone

#g’night!

Sometimes though, you have to be more low tech. For example in the situation, where your respective spouse is not quite on the same level of enlightenment regarding the social conventions of the social media as you are. Then you have to resort to archaic methods like the SMS.

Wishing your spouse

#sweet dreams xoxo

Lesson learnt:
Getting anything done; 3% is talent, 97% is staying off the internet.

 

social-media