Out Into The Wilderness

“To put it rather bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel” Fran Lebowitz

Out Into The Wilderness

Urban nature
What a wild creature
Concrete, asphalt
Dog poop on the sidewalk
Grass may look green
But everyone has seen
It was spray painted
To keep it untainted
And just as a feature

Nothing quite like
The smell of petroleum
In the early morning
When riding that bike
Or taking a hike
Though fair warning
Try to avoid stepping
Onto the tossed wrapping
Made of aluminium

Reaching the heavy trafficked streets
Listening to the musical feats
Of the car horn section on the right
The jackhammers creating the beats
People shouting in chorus
Day feeling more bright
Like your name was Doris
Crossing the street at red light
Just for fun not out of spite

Come late evening
Walking through the darkened park
The streetlights broken
Someone a lurking
Deep in the bushes
Not at sea, so at least no sharks
Your pace fastening
Trying to be cunning
Then almost running

Finally arriving
To the safe haven
Entering the doorway
You realize you’re not in Norway
From the lack of pine trees
Rather the sweet smell of pee
Greeting you, making you sneeze
Not the perfume of choice
But it could be worse?

You could be camping
Out in the wilderness
In a sleeping bag, damping
Rain pouring on your sleepiness
Bears lurking outside
No where to hide
Clutching onto the covers
Hoping to survive
Until the sun rises

Camping - bears pairing humans with the proper wine

You can catch more flies with honey… And even more with manure?

“Who wants to lick honey, must not shy away from the bees” Scots proverb

You can catch more flies with honey… And even more with manure?

Leonard Hofstadter: I’m just saying, you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
Sheldon Cooper: You can catch even more flies with manure; what’s your point?

Don’t be a rude dude
Or a crude prude
Just smile a little
For a change at least
Tame that beast
Don’t try to debate it
You might even like it
You won’t be hated
Most will be quite taken
When you are not faking
That giggle
It’s not a riddle
Giving a little
Getting more back
Take a whack
Just throw the dice
Try to be nice
Not a besserwisser
Or an ass kisser
It all pays off in the end
With only a wee effort spent
A smile and a great attitude
Trumps being rude
Manure or honey?
I’d bet my money
On the sweet thing
Any day

honey 3

Baby I Can Drive My Car

“I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone” Steven Wright

Baby I Can Drive My Car

Setting the scene
Pedal to the metal
Nerves unsettled
Giving it some gas
A little more for the blast
Overheating the machine

The engine is revving
Feels like heaven
Seeing is believing
The stress finally relieving
All the senses perceiving

No time to scoff
No time to fear
The moment is here
The road ahead, clear
Blast off!

Baby I can drive my car
Even though I’m not a star
Still I’m getting very far
Performance getting up to par
And maybe I love you babe

pink mini

Just F-ing Google It!

“If it isn’t on Google, it doesn’t exist” Jimmy Wales

Just F-ing Google It!

If you are unsure
On finding the allure
As to why, what and who
If you are in doubt
Of where, how and when
Knowing all about
The sword being mightier
Than the pen
Your head is none the lighter
But you might get wiser
Than
The oracle
Oh, no, not the database
Get onto the next phase
And
Before you ask
More stupid questions
Or hand out any suggestions
Take upon yourself the task
And just fucking Google it!

bart

More, Please!

“Please, sir, I want some more” Charles Dickens, Oliver Twist

More, Please

I hate it!
More?
Yes please

It’s disgusting and vile!
More?
Yes please

This tastes really bad!
More?
Yes please

I don’t like this series!
More?
Yes please

I have no fondness for this type of activity!
More?
Yes please

I am getting too old for this shit!
More?
Yes please

The flavour of this coffee is more like tar!
More?
Yes please

I have too many shoes already!
More?
Yes please

Life sucks!
More?
Yes please

moreismore

Fixing It

“When I told my doctor I couldn’t afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays” Henny Youngman

Fixing It

The day has arrived
In three months’ time
Finally going under the knife
Oh what a life
Facing the surgeon
Guess it was urgent
After all
This time spent
In the end
Hasn’t been a ball
Not a fan of hospitals, needles or blood
It’s such a crud
But not being in control
Is the worst of all
Lying unconscious
Body and mind
Out of commission
Please be kind
Without condition
Wish me luck
Let’s hope the doctors
Won’t fuck it up!

fixit

Invincible

“A lot of us think we’re invincible… but we have to start putting ourselves on the to-do list” Giuliana Rancic

Invincible

The name suggested
A battle maiden invested
Always the strong one
Getting everything done
Relying on strength
Taking great lengths
Never cheating
Always completing

Out of the blue
Without a clue
When least expected
The unthinkable was inflicted
The temple of strength failed
And came tumbling down
Feeling jailed
Oh treacherous one

Completely helpless
Not the fearless
Never been so afraid
Beginning to fade
Sometimes going insane
From all that pain

Going through stages
In quite the rages
Denial, anger, bargain, depression
With each session
Looking for that quick fix
Throwing in the mix
Ideas of the radical
Forgoing the medical
With a scoff
Thinking on just walking it off

Final stage at hand
Taking the stand
Waving the white flag
No more snags
Feeling revived
Acceptance had arrived

battlemaiden3

What Ever!

“Screw you guys, I’m going home!” Eric Cartman

What Ever!

You were smiling
Feeling charming
And quite beguiling
The sun was shining
This was supposed to be
A great day
For a song or a play

But then it turned out to be
Something else completely
It turned out to be
One of *those days*
Struck you in the face
Run over like a ten ton truck
And disappear without a trace

What the fuck?
Feeling like a schmuck
Completely out of luck
Standing in the rain
Without an umbrella
Almost going insane
And not from singing a cappella

So I say “What ever!”
And take my leave

708353ktyzp004l8

It’s only complicated if you are stupid

“The most complicated skill is to be simple” Dejan Stojanovic

unnamed

It’s only complicated if you are stupid

“It’s complicated”
Don’t you just hate it
The comment that pops up
Like excuses, filling the cup

But it’s not, really, is it?
It’s just a made up quip
It is actually very simple
Super sweet, short and simple

Think smart and on the dot
Lying down or on your feet
Something made up on the spot
Or even profoundly deep

If it’s not rocket science
The appliance
Is usually elementary
And easily supplementary

So lay down the stupid
Forget the complicated
Unless you want a pimple
Because life really is very simple
When you get right down to it

simple

Can Do Attitude

Gun Roswell's avatarRantings Of A Third Kind

“Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off” Ira and George Gershwin

Can Do Attitude

(This one is a must sing ;P)

You say neither, I say either
You say potato, I say tomato

Potato, tomato
Let’s call the whole thing off

You say sell, I say buy
You say it can’t be done
I say it will be fun

Oranges, apples
What the hell happened?
They don’t rhyme
I don’t mind
Let’s call the whole thing off

You say I’m boring
I say you snoring
You say it’s very bad
I say don’t be sad

Boring, snoring
“What the hell happened to this, song(?)?”
Let’s call the whole thing off

You say it’s a fake
I say a piece of cake
You say you’re such a jerk
I say it will work

Jerk, work
Let’s call the whole thing off

You say I’m obsessive
I say I’m positive
You prefer negative

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