Oh, the world today! (as seen on the news)

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“Not today Satan, not today!” Bianca del Rio

Oh, the world today! (as seen on the news)

The news are pouring, as the world is loudly roaring, that which is all around an individual happening, nothing or no one it dampening. Someone in utmost urgency shouting “Oh the humanity of it all!” While others, are just shaking their collective heads, simply stating, “Luckily, not in my neighbourhood that kind of ball.” Well, maybe not at this very moment, but don’t hold your breath, it may just be all coming, to a place near you, only, in instalments. Because if you contently wait long enough, all that stuff, visible on the big screen TV, well, that just might happen quite close to home. This warning may chill you to the bone, but head the warnings and all that is bad in the world, and maybe, you’ll be safe and not into the chaos of it all be hurled.

Meanwhile: Somewhere in the corner of the Galaxy, Madam Satan is shivering in fear of the analogy, of the happenings on, the small and remote planet called Earth, on the large view screen of a boob tube. Without much of mirth, stating, quite simply, “I will need to get my refund of that soul I just bought, from that big white coloured house, oh what a louse!” shaking her head, “He is the one, a human one, who is pure with evil and would certainly be too much, even for me to handle!”

Cool and the Gang of Cats

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“They’re all ganging up now, against us, against the world, against all, and trust me, they will, win ;p“ Gun Roswell

Cool and the Gang of Cats

The ominous clouds, gathered in the tall skies
The streets empty, devoid of all kind of life
Except, well, that is when, they, stepped in
Those supposed friends, of this, hooman kin

Soon enough, each and every nook and cranny
Are filled up to the hilt with them sitting on their fannies
Taking over each and every vacant corner and lot
Yes, most definitely, they have some all consuming plot

As the furriest of characters, make their claim
On this small planet, where life, well, let’s face it, is lame
The growing sounds of the purrs and meows 
Are totally scaring off any other being, even the cows

But the point here really is, to take over the world
And en masse, the furry felines, are certainly heard
Their agenda still, the guess as good as any really
Then again, all of us, surrendered surprisingly freely

After several moments of collective breath holding
Awaiting for the inevitable to be soon enough unfolding
But then as if reading the quivering masses an out
The leader, or at least assumed to be, give out a shout

The demand list, has finally been delivered to the front door
To those ones whom the felines assumed to be the top dogs
After reading the list, assumed to be the end
Was actually really nice, and nothing there to defend

The few request, of fresh tuna, catnip and occasional belly rubs on the top
Were quickly reciprocated to the cool gang at the docks
And soon peace landed on over the land of all
As the cats, yes those ones, ate their fish and had a ball

Maybe, we, hoomans, are better off with these leaders
After all, they demand so little and are not cheaters
The trick here might be to just co-exist and adore
The furry leaders, keeping us happy, and in awe

Going back, in time

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“When I was kid, my social network was called ‘outside’ “

Going back, in time

This is the work one of pure fiction. Neither polar bears nor reindeer were harmed in the creation of this literary process!

The year was 1924.

Longitude and latitude: Somewhere up north, thataway! The Finnish Lapland would probably be the most accurate location for this tale.

How old was I?

I guess I was somewhere between ten and twelve years of age. In those days, people were born and they died. No one really bothered with the record keeping. Lord knows there were plenty of us to go around.

Despite the fact it was close to midsummer, there was still snow on the ground. The reindeer and polar bears were roaming the streets while us kids were running around, having snowball fights. That is, during the minimum spare time we had between school, chores and work. Sleeping in those days was a luxury. Sometimes we had a full night’s sleep, sometimes the watch duty fell on my plate and I needed to stay up all night. Luckily, coffee had been invented ten years prior and we were all pretty much hooked on the sweet dark liquid.

Our housing for the winter months was an igloo, which the whole family constructed out of ice. Snow was used as plaster to fill in any holes between the blocks of ice. During the summer time, we had a tent like structure made out of bear and deer skin. Unfortunately all of us favoured the winter dwelling for one simple fact: The summer house stunk like a skunk. The choice of material was not a good one, but then, it was depression and all commodities were scarce.

The trip to school, either winter or summer time was made on skis and it was part to the exercise curriculum for all of us still eligible for the classes. A twenty kilometer trip back and forth was not a big deal and was building the strength and endurance nicely. This also came in handy for our after school activities. Some of us went to work in the coal mines, while others were herding rein deer or taking care of their younger siblings.

Each Saturday the Sauna was heated and all the family gathered into the cramped little room, heated up to eighty degrees. We were sitting all butt cheek to butt cheek in the nude on a wooden construct in the small dark room. Only the burning fire in the stove gave some lighting. As a luffa, a loosely tied bunch of birch tree branches with leaves on them was used. Out mother pummeled us with the concoction and me thinks she enjoyed it a little too much. Granted we children gave her grieve sometimes, so I will give her that.

Bathing for us then meant taking dips in the icy, below freezing waters. This, after we had first heated our body temperatures close to baking. Then we ran naked to the lake, where a large hole had been dug into the ice and plunged in.

All in all life was pretty ordinary and uneventful in my childhood, apart from the minor quirks.

Do I miss it? My childhood?

I would rather spend my next holiday on a labour camp!

Out there, into the Wilderness

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“To put it rather bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel” Fran Lebowitz

Out there, into the Wilderness

Urban nature
What a wild creature
Concrete, asphalt
Dog poop on the sidewalk
Grass may look green
But everyone has seen
It was spray painted
To keep it untainted
And just as a feature

Nothing quite like
The smell of petroleum
In the early morning
When riding that bike
Or taking a hike
Though fair warning
Try to avoid stepping
Onto the tossed wrapping
Made of aluminium

Reaching the heavy trafficked streets
Listening to the musical feats
Of the car horn section on the right
The jackhammers creating the beats
People shouting in chorus
Day feeling more bright
Like your name was Doris
Crossing the street at red light
Just for fun not out of spite

Come late evening
Walking through the darkened park
The streetlights broken
Someone a lurking
Deep in the bushes
Not at sea, so at least no sharks
Your pace fastening
Trying to be cunning
Then almost running

Finally arriving
To the safe haven
Entering the doorway
You realize you’re not in Norway
From the lack of pine trees
Rather the sweet smell of pee
Greeting you, making you sneeze
Not the perfume of choice
But it could be worse?

Friday, the 13th?

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“Happy Friday the 13th. Satan texted me saying watch my back…With a winky face.”

Friday, the 13th?

The tale told below
Was it based on a true story?
Or just pure fiction?

That, my dear reader
Is for the writer to know
And for you to enjoy!

 

office

As I arrived in the office, the place seemed more quiet than usual.
At least this early in the morning.
Sitting in my seat, pondering, where everyone else were.

No emails, no calls
No contacts at all
Had I mistaken?
Or too early awoken?
Was this a wrong day?
A Saturday, a Sunday?

Thinking about it, the traffic had been oddly light.
Even though it had been early morning time.

After a few hours of waiting in solitude, people I had never seen, entered the room.
Talking in strange languages, sounding like a record been played back the wrong way.
I was observing them. They did not seem to notice me.

Passing me by
Wondering why
Seemed like a dream
So unreal did it seem

I tried to greet one of them. I kept repeating
Hello, hello, HELLO!

But unnoticed
Even by the closest
Visitor did I go

Getting irritated, I did no longer hesitate.
Jumped in front of the nearest stranger.
I did not feel I was in any danger.
Waved my arms and shouted.
Like a mad person undoubted
.
But nothing, no nothing stirred the strangers.
As if I wasn’t even there…

 

Maybe, just maybe
I had turned invisible
Or maybe,
It was all, just a dream

After all
It was Friday the 13th!

What ever floats in my mind (two)

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“Whatever floats your boat as long as it doesn’t sink mine!”

float boat 1

What ever floats in my mind

Start your engines and may the best women; win!

Yes, yes, yes! I was watching the season finale of the RuPaul’s Drag Race today and, no, my favourite queen was not crowned today. This is actually supposed to be, again, one of those exercises for where I type in what ever floats in my mind in an allotted amount of time.

Problem: There is a *lot* floating there, whether it is inspirational, interesting or even artistic, is another matter. So here I am tapping the keys on my mac, which I actually wrote an homage to a little while back. Go figure!

OK, so back to the subject at hand: What is going on in my mind? Thinking, thinking, thinking… Ah here is a topic! Well, as my Mommy used to tell me: “If you don’t have anything nice to say, shut the fuck up!” And she was right. I try to count to five, sometimes even ten is needed to calm down when ever something really sets me off. But I am going to share a little secret here, trying not to be to harsh about it.

For a little while now, I have gotten deeper and deeper into the underbelly of the wery wide web. Yeah, the “w” was on purpose ;P So like the rant said, I am socially investigating interesting and well to be honest, not so interesting sites and people. (No, *not* stalking 😉 ).

Where was I? Oh yes, so I have been following this TV show and kind of liked it. Actually liking is an understatement! I got pretty much hooked on it. Enjoying the seasons so far (last season was kind of ‘meh’), but now I have learnt of a few changes in the show and the main characters are about to happen in the upon coming season. To be honest, all the hype out there generated by the “real” hard core fans is getting really annoying and the changes seem unrealistic to the nature of the show, so it may be I need to start looking for a new favourite series sooner than later. They say change is good, well, let’s see. Maybe I will turn off the television all together and pick up knitting!

Alright, enough about that subject. Guess now since I have actually shared my pain I can move on! Oh please grow up! It is a television series, not real life.

So back to the topic and what is floating in my mind. Oh, oh, oh, I have revived my life passion of photography. Not that I ever left it, but for the past year or so, the extension of my arm, also known as a c.a.m.e.r.a, had been a wee bit neglected, but now I once more feel it detached to myself. Snapping away like a mad woman!

Talking of which, or witch: yes you can call me one if you like ;P. So talking about being a little cuckoo or hii-haa or (whistling sound while spinning my finger pointed at my head), so crazy basically. I have come to realize you have to be a little off your rockers to actually pull out any kind of regular job people do in today’s world. And I think it is actually a requirement for the artistic field. So guess I am on the right track, either way. And to think about it, I used to be worried, especially having such a crazy family. But that tale is a topic for another day!

So what is floating in my mind… Let’s see, of course the pending surgery, that is a given. What else. Train of thought, OK, now I am actually thinking and when that happens, all ideas are out the door. For example if I plan my writing ahead, characters, plot (what plot?) and all that jazz, I end up having a nice setup and then start writing and the complete work is actually something completely different. So, I have realized thinking is no good, not for me at least. This may not be a good guideline for everyone and certainly not what the books on the subject matter teach. But when I let go, and let the characters guide me, the story writes itself. OK, so I am telling a little tall tale here, since I currently have at least ten stories in various stages of incompletion, but still. Take this rant for example. No planning and here I am typing, still typing, just typing. Utter, complete, nonsense!

And with that thought, I will take the exit to the right. Thanks Ladies and Gents! It’s been real! Please come back for more in the near future for more of… Tales of the Unexpected (or what ever floats in my mind)!

What ever floats in my mind (one)

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“Every writer I know has trouble writing” Joseph Heller

something

What ever floats in my mind

I woke up, when I was born, no sooner, no later. That was as stupid an opening line as “Once upon a time” or “It was a cold and rainy night”, but I thought I was being clever in starting the tale with a joke. You who follow my writing may have noticed the humouristic twist in most tales, at least at some point. For the life of me, I cannot write serious, not matter how I try. Maybe I would have a career in joke writing or scetches for “Saturday Night Live” or similar shows.

OK, so the agreed process for this tale is: Absolutely no censorship in this tale, my mind freely flowing as my fingers do the typing. I am no longer in command of this vessel. What ever is written on these pages is purely fictional as produced by the army of voices living in my head. I was thinking of cheating of course, thinking before writing, plotting my way into this tale.

After emerging from the deep state I was in, I decided to finally let go, to leave it alone, to not think too much and see what will develop. Apart from the typos caused by my fingers not being able to keep up, this is all just a flow of the mind. I know it is crowded in there, despite the fact the sign implies there is “room for rent”. My occupants like to play tricks on me and those who might take a glimpse to my brain.

Funny things those renters of mine. I prefer to use that word rather than thinking this is a permanent situation. I do hope, that, at some point the other voices will take their leave and I can finally make decisions on my own. Whether that be writing or something else. Mostly it is writing though. When I do decide to let go, the writing is usually good, so I really shouldn’t be taking any credit. But someone once said, A good writer borrows, a great writer steals.

Oh, oh, I am stuck now, either the others went on a break or then they are all napping. I am actually wondering how familiar and TV-oriented this sounds. I do sound like a Borg drone from Star Trek, don’t I. “I can’t hear the others, I need the others to survive!” must be the most quoted line in the franchise when the Borg characters are in play.

But I digest, I mean digress ;P

Flow of mind or the lack there of. A while back I wrote a funny note on my mind having too many tabs open. Oddly enough, that was not fiction but fact. I do like to dabble more on the fiction than the fact side, never getting too personal, but I have a warm feeling inside of me. Guess I am safe as long as it doesn’t run down my legs! But so far so good.

So, back to fact or fiction, was that what I was talking about? No, it was the thing of too many things occupying the brain at one point, hence the tabs and open thing. OK, back on track. So yes. That actually has a link to the ever so talked about writer’s block. The only blockage I have or have had for the past fifty odd years is or was the fact that I do censor myself, a lot. I have so many ideas, causing my mind to overflow.

Currently, as I started my writing life for the third and hopefully charmed time, I will let myself write what ever I want, who ever I want and where ever I want. Sans all the self doubt, drama and excuses. Oh my! Now I am finally getting serious! I actually got a little serious there a day or so back when I poured my heart and thoughts to a few darker poems. I admit I use humour as a cover and rather than dwelling on real life issues, I crack a joke.

I freely admit to the following personality traits: I am sarcastic, pessimistic, I have a warped sense of humour, I am spontaneous yet conscious, I am lazy, but also industrious, at least when work is concerned, personal life not so much. So now you know. I like to hide but remain right in the open. I talk a lot, but say nothing.

Back to the topic again, (I seem to be loosing the track now constantly), what ever that was, I actually forgot at this point. Oh yes, free flow of the mind. So not a jogy, not a Vulcan, not logical, just your average everyday humanoid being. So that is my life story or sort of story. At least what I came up with today. I guess this is more than four hundred words. I don’t know how much of myself I have revealed in this little mind tale, but read between the lines or over the lines. Somewhere there, between, lies the truth

It’s A Human… No, It’s A Drag Race after all!

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“We are all born naked and the rest is Drag” – RuPaul

It’s A Human… No, It’s A Drag Race after all

This is Ixavier Lasloth coming live from the Galaxy near you!

Our news team is currently orbiting a small bluish rock in the farthest corner of the known universe. We are here to observe the supposedly dominant occupants of this planet they have named “Earth”. These people seem to be involved in something called the “human race”, although as to where and when the race will take place is still unclear.

We are here to observe the ritualistic behaviour of this particular species, whose skin colour is varying from a pinkish hue to darker brown shade or sometimes even red. Some of them are covered in a thick fur like layer, while others remain neutral and satisfied in their original skin.

We are in disguise to avoid any panic our strange appearance may cause in the inhabitants.

Upon closer inspection, we can clearly detect at least two distinctive sexes, but there may be more.

Although most of these creatures seem to be content in their existence, some of them rebel against the existing norm. These individuals have ventured to live their lives with their own set of rules and formed tight knit groups and living off the radar. These “outsiders” worship their heroes in an almost religious fashion.

This exceptional behaviour is the reason, why this reporter landed on this forsaken rock and decided to have a closer look.

After making contact with some of these “radical groups”, we were fortunate enough to get invited to observe one of their many rituals. The core group and their followers call themselves “De-rag Q-ueens.

We were invited to observe their masking ritual, reserved for the most elite individuals of the group. The “males” as we got to know them were performing an age old ceremony named the “drag race”.

Observing the ritual to a fault, there is a strict regime to follow:

The first step is to apply a thick layer of paint on the face. The next step is to add a head piece, which seems like a construct of some sort of animal hair. These headpieces come in every imaginative colour of the rainbow. To complete the transformation, a garment weaved with glittering items is pulled over the top half of the body. The feet are covered with footwear constructed from a leathery material and with an added feature, which seems to give the wearer more height.

When the total transformation from “male” to “female” was complete, it was time to “put on a show”.

The Q-ueens lined up and started walking in orderly fashion on what seemed to be a structure of wooden planks they had named the “cat walk”. A rhythmic beat followed by electrical lights flashing caused the Q-ueens to start producing sounds from their throats causing melodic sounds coming out from their mouths. This ritual was of a repetitive nature, where the melodies and sounds varied depending on the individual performing them. The “show” continued and the partakers managed to change their attire several times over before the ceremony was over.

All in all while observing this religious ritual in all its glory, this reporter found oneself caught in the moment; cheering and applauding at the end of the ceremony, which luckily was the accepted social convention.

While trying to get more in-depth information as to what the origin of this particular ritual was, I was fortunate to interview one of the elders among them. And the message, quite clear and directly quoted:

“We may be born naked, but surely the rest needs to be drag”
In this reporter’s opinion, this may be one of the more successful stories of Earth.

Until next time, this is Ixavier Lasloth, signing off!

dame-edna-everage-barry-humphries-taking-over-adelaide-music-festival

Black Friday – The Finnish Way

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“I hope your Black Friday injuries aren’t so severe that you can’t click a mouse on Cyber Monday.”

darkness-2

Black Friday

“Bright light, bright light!”

“Oh my God, what is that?”

“Holy hell, is it a flying saucer?”

***

The masses had come out from their homes and workplaces staring and pointing up at the unidentified bright light high up in the sky. Some rumours had circulated, stating Finland had fallen under attack by UFOs.

In the corner of the street, a lonesome believer was preaching:

“The end of the world as we know it, is upon us!”

That day, was the first day of the month March.

***

Several months earlier:

darkness

It was the beginning of October. The land had fallen under darkness. As if an evil warlock had cast a spell. Sour faces all around, no expressions, as if away blurred. Hardly any sound could be heard. People on the streets, dragging their feet. The lust for life, all sucked out.
First of March

An unidentified source of light had appeared in the skies.

“The sun”, someone said, as the onlookers stood before her, bewildered.

“It is called the sun” she stated again with a smile.

But the other just shook their heads in disbelief.

Still, turning their collective faces towards “the sun”. And, as by a wave of a magic wand, the crowd closed their eyes in unison and enjoyed that sacred moment. A collective sigh of content was the only sound heard.

For who knew, how long this would last…

light-2

Freaky Friday presents: Skeletons in the closet

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“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton,
you may as well make it dance”
George Bernard Shaw

Skeletons in the Closet

I found some skeletons, deep in my closet
I don’t know how they got there, possibly it was a good idea as a deposit
Now, I know this house is old, drafty and has leaky faucets
Yes, and it has caused quite the dent in my wallet

But as you can probably surmise
And imagine my total surprise
When these bones from the past
Out from their hiding splashed

So now, I am sitting on the floor
Carefully watching the door
Hoping to get these bones ridden
To a place safe, secret, away hidden

Unfortunately, at this day and age, I don’t have a time portal
Which could aide me to turn back time and make all normal
Make past things right, to not to run away from the fights
But, now I can only try to hide, that which I once let slide

People in glass houses, should not throw bones
Keep off your microphones and telephones in your own homes
You can never be too sure or safe
So just remember to lock your secrets in a very safe place