Tales of the Odd and Unexpected (or what ever floats in my mind): Part One (TBT)

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“Every writer I know has trouble writing” Joseph Heller

Tales of the Odd and Unexpected (or what ever floats in my mind): Part One

“This written tale is based on the prompt:”Four-hundred words. One at a time. Go.”

I woke up, when I was born, no sooner, no later. That was as stupid an opening line as “Once upon a time” or “It was a cold and rainy night”, but I thought I was being clever in starting the tale with a joke. You who follow my writing may have noticed the humouristic twist in most tales, at least at some point. For the life of me, I cannot write serious, not matter how I try. Maybe I would have a career in joke writing or scetches for “Saturday Night Live” or similar shows.

OK, so the agreed process for this tale is: Absolutely no censorship in this tale, my mind freely flowing as my fingers do the typing. I am no longer in command of this vessel. What ever is written on these pages is purely fictional as produced by the army of voices living in my head. I was thinking of cheating of course, thinking before writing, plotting my way into this tale.

After emerging from the deep state I was in, I decided to finally let go, to leave it alone, to not think too much and see what will develop. Apart from the typos caused by my fingers not being able to keep up, this is all just a flow of the mind. I know it is crowded in there, despite the fact the sign implies there is “room for rent”. My occupants like to play tricks on me and those who might take a glimpse to my brain.

Funny things those renters of mine. I prefer to use that word rather than thinking this is a permanent situation. I do hope, that, at some point the other voices will take their leave and I can finally make decisions on my own. Whether that be writing or something else. Mostly it is writing though. When I do decide to let go, the writing is usually good, so I really shouldn’t be taking any credit. But someone once said, A good writer borrows, a great writer steals.

Oh, oh, I am stuck now, either the others went on a break or then they are all napping. I am actually wondering how familiar and TV-oriented this sounds. I do sound like a Borg drone from Star Trek, don’t I. “I can’t hear the others, I need the others to survive!” must be the most quoted line in the franchise when the Borg characters are in play.

But I digest, I mean digress ;P

Flow of mind or the lack there of. A while back I wrote a funny note on my mind having too many tabs open. Oddly enough, that was not fiction but fact. I do like to dabble more on the fiction than the fact side, never getting too personal, but I have a warm feeling inside of me. Guess I am safe as long as it doesn’t run down my legs! But so far so good.

So, back to fact or fiction, was that what I was talking about? No, it was the thing of too many things occupying the brain at one point, hence the tabs and open thing. OK, back on track. So yes. That actually has a link to the ever so talked about writer’s block. The only blockage I have or have had for the past fifty odd years is or was the fact that I do censor myself, a lot. I have so many ideas, causing my mind to overflow.

Currently, as I started my writing life for the third and hopefully charmed time, I will let myself write what ever I want, who ever I want and where ever I want. Sans all the self doubt, drama and excuses. Oh my! Now I am finally getting serious! I actually got a little serious there a day or so back when I poured my heart and thoughts to a few darker poems. I admit I use humour as a cover and rather than dwelling on real life issues, I crack a joke.

I freely admit to the following personality traits: I am sarcastic, pessimistic, I have a warped sense of humour, I am spontaneous yet conscious, I am lazy, but also industrious, at least when work is concerned, personal life not so much. So now you know. I like to hide but remain right in the open. I talk a lot, but say nothing.

Back to the topic again, (I seem to be loosing the track now constantly), what ever that was, I actually forgot at this point. Oh yes, free flow of the mind. So not a jogy, not a Vulcan, not logical, just your average everyday humanoid being. So that is my life story or sort of story. At least what I came up with today. I guess this is more than four hundred words. I don’t know how much of myself I have revealed in this little mind tale, but read between the lines or over the lines. Somewhere there, between, lies the truth.

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Tales of the Odd and Unexpected (or what ever floats in my mind): Part Two (TBT)

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float boat 2

“Whatever floats your boat as long as it doesn’t sink mine!”

Tales of the Odd and Unexpected (or what ever floats in my mind)!

Start your engines and may the best women, win!

Yes, yes, yes! I was watching the season finale of the RuPaul’s Drag Race today and, no, my favourite queen was not crowned today. This is actually supposed to be, again, one of those exercises for where I type in what ever floats in my mind in an allotted amount of time.

Problem: There is a *lot* floating there, whether it is inspirational, interesting or even artistic, is another matter. So here I am tapping the keys on my mac, which I actually wrote an homage to a little while back. Go figure!

OK, so back to the subject at hand: What is going on in my mind? Thinking, thinking, thinking… Ah here is a topic! Well, as my Mommy used to tell me: “If you don’t have anything nice to say, shut the fuck up!” And she was right. I try to count to five, sometimes even ten is needed to calm down when ever something really sets me off. But I am going to share a little secret here, trying not to be to harsh about it.

For a little while now, I have gotten deeper and deeper into the underbelly of the wery wide web. Yeah, the “w” was on purpose ;P So like the rant said, I am socially investigating interesting and well to be honest, not so interesting sites and people. (No, *not* stalking 😉 ).

Where was I? Oh yes, so I have been following this TV show and kind of liked it. Actually liking is an understatement! I got pretty much hooked on it. Enjoying the seasons so far (last season was kind of ‘meh’), but now I have learnt of a few changes in the show and the main characters are about to happen in the upon coming season. To be honest, all the hype out there generated by the “real” hard core fans is getting really annoying and the changes seem unrealistic to the nature of the show, so it may be I need to start looking for a new favourite series sooner than later. They say change is good, well, let’s see. Maybe I will turn off the television all together and pick up knitting!

Alright, enough about that subject. Guess now since I have actually shared my pain I can move on! Oh please grow up! It is a television series, not real life.

So back to the topic and what is floating in my mind. Oh, oh, oh, I have revived my life passion of photography. Not that I ever left it, but for the past year or so, the extension of my arm, also known as a c.a.m.e.r.a, had been a wee bit neglected, but now I once more feel it detached to myself. Snapping away like a mad woman!

Talking of which, or witch: yes you can call me one if you like ;P. So talking about being a little cuckoo or hii-haa or (whistling sound while spinning my finger pointed at my head), so crazy basically. I have come to realize you have to be a little off your rockers to actually pull out any kind of regular job people do in today’s world. And I think it is actually a requirement for the artistic field. So guess I am on the right track, either way. And to think about it, I used to be worried, especially having such a crazy family. But that tale is a topic for another day!

So what is floating in my mind… Let’s see, of course the pending surgery, that is a given. What else. Train of thought, OK, now I am actually thinking and when that happens, all ideas are out the door. For example if I plan my writing ahead, characters, plot (what plot?) and all that jazz, I end up having a nice setup and then start writing and the complete work is actually something completely different. So, I have realized thinking is no good, not for me at least. This may not be a good guideline for everyone and certainly not what the books on the subject matter teach. But when I let go, and let the characters guide me, the story writes itself. OK, so I am telling a little tall tale here, since I currently have at least ten stories in various stages of incompletion, but still. Take this rant for example. No planning and here I am typing, still typing, just typing. Utter, complete, nonsense!

And with that thought, I will take the exit to the right.

Thanks Ladies and Gents! It’s been real! Please come back for more in the near future for more of… Tales of the Unexpected (or what ever floats in my mind)!

Alfred Hitchcock Aims

The Treasure Hunters: Part Four

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“Time travel … will never be impossible forever”

Treasure Hunters: Part Four

“Welcome on board!” The cabin boy said to me. It was actually the first time I heard him speak and I was surprised he sounded more like a girl than a young boy.

“Thank you!” I think. I just wasn’t sure.

The crew had finally turned in for the evening. Or rather passed out in various places around the court yard, which also served as the dining area with its large table setting. In the middle, the fountain was set up and it was circulating fresh water. A quality I at least appreciated. After all the rum, it was a nice and certainly refreshing welcome. Today had turned out a cloudless sunny day and despite the nice and warm climate, it was still a little too hot for my taste.

Tonight’s event had been an interesting one to say the least, with all the dirty jokes flying around and chanting of sea related songs. The drinking had been nothing if not heavy and the chalices were passed around frequently. Everyone, including us minors, were expected to take part in the festivities. From an outsider’s perspective, it seemed like a text book cliché of how the pirates behaved, at least so far.

From what I had found out, this safe harbour was shared by several crews. It seemed the pirates were well organized and there wasn’t too much fighting going on between the various groups. At least not when a meal and rum was shared.

I had managed to get into the sleeping quarters and was now standing in the window watching, as the last of the crewmen dozed off. Luckily for me, my bunk mates for the evening were all passed out and lying outside, meaning I had the room for myself for tonight. Lord knows I could use a good night’s sleep. After today’s events, namely being whisked off to what seemed back in time. Walking barefoot for miles on end and to top it all, spending the evening participating in pirate festivities, were starting to take a toll on me. I may have looked like a young cabin boy, but inside I still felt like the middle aged old me.

I closed my eyes and I wondered if, when waking up again, I would be back home and realizing this, what ever this was, had all been a dream. After all, it all seemed so unreal. I listened to all the strange sounds for a while, before sleep caught up with me.

To be continued…

wormhole_v2_by_acidcliff

The Treasure Hunters: Part Three

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“A box without hinges, key, or lid, yet golden treasure inside is hid” J. R. R. Tolkien

The Treasure Hunters: Part Three

My feet were not used to running barefoot, and I could feel each and every little stick and stone along the path. I just hoped we would reach our destination, soon.

The little rag tag group formed of myself and the recently acquainted pirates finally reached the camp. From what I could tell, realistically, the hike up the hill could not have been more than a few kilometres. Unfortunately it felt more like a marathon to me and my poor bare feet. What I would have given for a foot bath and a massage right now!

I was seated by a tall wooden table, sitting on the hard bench. A person, who obviously seemed to be a cabin boy, had brought a bowl of some sort of grub and a chalice filled with what tasted like wine. OK, so this was no gourmet meal. Certainly no competition for any fast food meal I had eaten in the past either. But at this point, hearing my stomach growling, I would have settled for a bowl of cooked stones. I could not believe how unbelievable hungry I actually was.

“So, Lad, which boat did you serve on?” The Captain, sitting on the other end of the table, asked me.

“I um, ” Come on think, think, I was telling myself. It had been a while since I watched any films, especially those of adventure and pirates! Then it hit me: “The Black Pearl, Sir!” Nice save dumb ass I told myself.

The Captain looked puzzled for a while before he replied, “The Black Pearl? I don’t recall a ship by that name. What was the name of your Captain, Lad?” He ogled me suspiciously.

“Sparrow, Sir, Captain Sparrow.” I tried to pull the best innocent look on my face I could muster. It sure had worked before. At least when I was still me that is.

“Sparrow, Sparrow…” The Captain repeated thoughtfully, rubbing his beard in the process. Then he stopped and looked at me, or rather right through me. He let out a laugh: “I do recall a Captain Sparrow. Tough as nails! No wonder you are on the run!”

So, the little white lie sank in! Great! But now, the Captain believed me to be a runaway. I didn’t know if that was a good or bad thing at this point. After a moment of silence, staring at my feet, trying to look guilty as the suspect of being on the run, I looked up.

“Yes, he was. That’s why I left.”

“And I suppose you are looking for a new hiring?” The Captain asked, this time very politely.

Well, I guess I was looking for a job. I had nothing but the clothes on my back, no shoes, no food. So yes, I needed a job, a place to stay and the means to find my way back.

“Yes.” I replied simply.

The cabin boy had been filling the drinks and as he had heard the Captain’s comments asking me about the job, he looked at me, smirked and gave me a wink.

“Well, laddie,” The Captain replied, “You look like you are made of a stern stuff. Consider yourself hired!”

I had no idea what I had gotten myself into, but come what may, I was now officially a pirate!

“Thank you, Sir!” Good thing I had been watching a lot of television and movies in the past. I at least had some idea of how the people talked in the past. At least I hoped the Hollywood types had not taken too many artistic liberties!

“Welcome on board!” The cabin boy said to me. It was actually the first time I heard him speak and I was surprised he sounded more like a girl than a young boy.

“Thank you!” I think. I just wasn’t sure.

To be continued…

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The Treasure Hunters: Part Two

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“There is more treasure in books, than in all the pirate’s loot on Treasure Island”

The Treasure Hunters: Part Two

I started slowly walking towards the ship. It would be my best option to get more info on what was going on. Just hoping these people, who ever they were, would be the friendly sort.

“Ahoy there!” I shouted and waved my hand as I approached the crew of the ship.

Who obviously was the Captain and the two crewmen standing beside him, turned and looked at me. They then looked at each other, obviously surprised of my presence.

“Who are you and where do you come from lad?” The Captain asked me.

‘Lad?’ I must have also changed appearance and sex since my transportation or teleportation or what ever it was that got me here in the first place. I was thoughtful and tried to choose my words carefully before answering them so not to reveal myself or my origins.

“Hi, I mean top of the morning to you Sirs!”

I had to remember I was considered ‘a lad’ and that to the best of my knowledge meant a young man or teenage boy. Of course without a mirror I could not tell what my face looked like, but judging from my clothing, the Captain was right on spot.

“I was wondering if you could tell me where exactly I am.” I was thinking of a quick cover story, “It seems I bumped my head after a fall and seem to have lost all sense of direction.” I mock rubbed my forehead to convey the now oddly staring crew members where I had been hurt.

The Captain took a step closer to me and stood staring for a moment. I could smell the rum on his breath and was sure he did not buy my story. I managed to hold my stance and stared right back at him, trying to keep an innocent look on my face. After a few moments, during which I felt I would pee myself soon enough if the Captain would not stop his piercing stare.

All of a sudden, he burst into laughter. He patted me on my shoulder and turned towards his crew.

“Come on men, let’s get the lad some assistance here.” He ordered his men and turned back to me asking.

“Are you hungry lad?”

I nodded. After all I had missed lunch, running most of the day on coffee only.

“OK, then. Come with us and we’ll fill your belly with some grub. I’ll have the doctor check your forehead. That looks a very nasty gush you have there son.”

I was surprised, since I was not aware I had any wounds on me. I looked at my hand I had been rubbing my forehead with and as I looked at it, there was blood on it. I was shocked and felt a little dizzy. Blood was not something I could deal with lightly.

The Captain laughed. “Come on lad, don’t faint before we get you to our camp.” He then waved to one of the crewmen, who quickly came and offered to support me.

“Thank you!” I answered briefly and the crewman just nodded as we all left for the camp.

I could not help wondering how my little white lie had turned into reality. Maybe I was dreaming in some elaborate way where I was in control. I was planning on testing my theory once we reached the camp, since currently I had trouble keeping up with the others’ pace, let alone think of anything else. My feet were not used to running barefoot, and I could feel each and every little stick and stone along the path. I just hoped we would reach our destination, soon.

To be continued…

Treasure Island illo

The Treasure Hunters: Part One

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“Not all treasure‘s silver and gold, mate”
Jack Sparrow, Pirates Of The Caribbean: The Curse Of The Black Pearl

The Treasure Hunters: Part One

It was just another day at the office. The lost and found box weekly walk through task had fallen on my desk this week. Procrastinating on starting the tedious job, I decided to get a refill for my coffee and take the box to an empty meeting room and sort out the lot there on the conference table.

I was starting with the task at hand, pulling each item and sorting them to their respective piles on the table. An odd glove, an empty wallet, a photo frame with a photo of a Disneyland visit, a few coins, when a crumpled piece of paper caught my eye.

I picked it up, curious, because the paper was yellow and thick, nothing like the printer papers we used for the office. It seemed older and more delicate somehow. I carefully unfolded the lump in my hand, and bit by bit, I had it fully open and spread in front of me. I could not believe my eyes.

The X marks the spot indeed; I was looking at what seemed to be, a treasure map and a price to seek.

I kept staring at the map in front of me, wondering if it was someone’s idea of a joke or the real deal. As I stared deeper and deeper into the mysterious map, I felt a dizziness and suddenly, I was surrounded by thick fog. A whooshing sound and there I was, standing on a beach, transported to an unfamiliar place.

The sun was shining warmly, seagulls above me, screeching. The waves gently rolling across the sand. I, myself, barefoot, dressed in fashion resembling an eighteenth century cabin boy. This was a completely different outfit to what I had been wearing before, not to mention the lack of footwear.

I scanned the distance and saw a tall ship. The crew was getting ashore and carrying many a boxes. The men were dressed in similar old fashion clothing I was and oddly enough, the whole set up resembled a scene from a pirate film.

I wondered whether my eyes were deceiving me, had I fallen asleep and was dreaming or had I just lost it all together. I pinched myself and felt the pain. “Great!” I said out loud in a sarcastic tone. Either I had stumbled into a wormhole or other dimension, this was actually real!

I started slowly walking towards the ship. It would be my best option to get more info on what was going on. Just hoping these people, who ever they were, would be the friendly sort.

To be continued…

treasuremap1

The Treasure Hunters: Introduction

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“I always say, ‘I’m not a pirate, I just play one on TV.'” Paul Watson

Treasure Hunters: Introduction

Welcome to Treasure Hunters!

In a new weekly series called “Serial Sunday Presents”, The Rantings Of A Third Kind will be showcasing stories published each week, on Sunday. Short stories, continuing saga and tales of the odd for your reading pleasure.

The first series posted, is the continuing saga of the The Treasure Hunters. A tale of time travelling, change of identities, treasure hunting, pirates and a little adventure on the side 😉

Parts one through four have already been posted. More to come next Sunday in Part Five!

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Some Social Media Bullshit (TBT)

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Posted in the Throwback Thursday weekly series
Poetry, photography, tales and things that nature!

“Connecting people – The artist formerly known as Nokia”

batman-hates-social-media

Some Social Media Bullshit

You don’t have to like it, but have to be in there: The social media of the world wide web. After all, who wants to be a complete social outcast!

Here are a few examples of what can be used for keeping in touch with family, friends and even your favourite movie stars!

* Assbook: Like opinions, everyone has more than one
* Angstagram: I post photos of myself and my eating habits, therefore I am
* Bitter: You would be too if no one is following you, right?
* Benchpress: For every self aware blabber, but more artistic ;P
* Tiedup: A must for professionals, endorse endorse endorse until you drop!
* You-boob: You did something stupid, maybe flashed a body part usually hidden, it got on video and uploaded on the internet and now you are the star of your own show!

A typical modern person’s day

@In the morning
The alarm clock is going off, it’s time to get up.
What is the first thing you do?

#Pick up your phone from the night stand and:

A) Check your social media apps
B) Check your email

@Driving in the car to your place of work.
Listening to the radio and the DJ is urging you to snap a photo and upload it to their site:

#uploadfunnypic

A) You are snapping selfies and almost bumping into the car that stopped in front of you. (The other driver possibly doing the same thing as you).
B) You are twatting your social media buddies of what you just did.

@Lunch time everyone with their phones in their respective hands. Not one word is spoken to anyone ‘live’, but they all are:

A) Chatting (and oh yes, there are actually office use approved ones too: Yank!)
B) Updating statuses on various social media apps.
C) Uploading photos of what they ate (of course, a must for every self aware social medialite).
D) Someone shared a funny video and twatted the link to everyone else around the table.
E) Everyone watching the video.
F) Everyone twatting feedback to each other.

@Coffee break everyone is:

A) Uploading photos of coffee and doughnuts they will consume.
B) Chatting with the people around the coffee table.

Back home from the office.

@Dinner table the family is sharing a meal and their respective day:

A-F apply here too.

@Midnight, bedtime:

A) Time to recap today’s event in your “blab”.
B) Latest friend updates to be checked (so not to miss any important things such as what your friends ate or what they were watching on TV, etc.)
C) Twatting everyone

#g’night!

Sometimes though, you have to be more low tech. For example in the situation, where your respective spouse is not quite on the same level of enlightenment regarding the social conventions of the social media as you are. Then you have to resort to archaic methods like the SMS.

Wishing your spouse

#sweet dreams xoxo

Lesson learnt:
Getting anything done; 3% is talent, 97% is staying off the internet.

anti-social-media

Red Gloves (Mundane Monday 2016-02-01)

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Photo challenge for PhoTrabloggers Mundane Monday

“This is a challenge created to find beauty in almost everything. The challenge is simple : find beauty in everyday mundane things, capture the beauty and upload the photographs.”

MUNDANE MONDAY CHALLENGE #44

gloves

“My little pretty red gloves bring me joy and warmth; after all it is winter!” Gun Roswell

Red Gloves (Mundane Monday 2016-02-01)

“This is when the gloves come off!” She stated with a huff and puff.

Throwing down the protective shielding onto the ground, she was about to defy all beliefs of what would happen when exposing yourself to the elements.

It was that time of the year, when the cold season had taken over. There was no hiding from the white powdery substance covering most of the northern world. The only thing to do to survive was to put as much woven garments on top of the skin as possible. The degrees sinking down below zero in the tens, sometimes even hundreds, this season lasted for a length of six moons.

But those damn mittens! How they irritated her, especially today. They were always in the way. Grabbing things was not easy, not to mention holding a shovel.

She looked at the discarded gloves laying on the ground. Red against the whitest of snow. Pretty were they, she thought and kept staring at them, while her fingers were getting numb. Finally, as beckoning her, she scooped the offending mittens from the pile of snow, pulled them on and admired the colour and the feel of them.

Once again, she was happy in her gorgeous red mittens.

gloves

Tales of the Unexpected (or what ever floats in my mind): Part Two

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float boat 2

“Whatever floats your boat as long as it doesn’t sink mine!”

Tales of the Unexpected (or what ever floats in my mind)!

Start your engines and may the best women, win!

Yes, yes, yes! I was watching the season finale of the RuPaul’s Drag Race today and, no, my favourite queen was not crowned today. This is actually supposed to be, again, one of those exercises for where I type in what ever floats in my mind in an allotted amount of time.

Problem: There is a *lot* floating there, whether it is inspirational, interesting or even artistic, is another matter. So here I am tapping the keys on my mac, which I actually wrote an homage to a little while back. Go figure!

OK, so back to the subject at hand: What is going on in my mind? Thinking, thinking, thinking… Ah here is a topic! Well, as my Mommy used to tell me: “If you don’t have anything nice to say, shut the fuck up!” And she was right. I try to count to five, sometimes even ten is needed to calm down when ever something really sets me off. But I am going to share a little secret here, trying not to be to harsh about it.

For a little while now, I have gotten deeper and deeper into the underbelly of the wery wide web. Yeah, the “w” was on purpose ;P So like the rant said, I am socially investigating interesting and well to be honest, not so interesting sites and people. (No, *not* stalking 😉 ).

Where was I? Oh yes, so I have been following this TV show and kind of liked it. Actually liking is an understatement! I got pretty much hooked on it. Enjoying the seasons so far (last season was kind of ‘meh’), but now I have learnt of a few changes in the show and the main characters are about to happen in the upon coming season. To be honest, all the hype out there generated by the “real” hard core fans is getting really annoying and the changes seem unrealistic to the nature of the show, so it may be I need to start looking for a new favourite series sooner than later. They say change is good, well, let’s see. Maybe I will turn off the television all together and pick up knitting!

Alright, enough about that subject. Guess now since I have actually shared my pain I can move on! Oh please grow up! It is a television series, not real life.

So back to the topic and what is floating in my mind. Oh, oh, oh, I have revived my life passion of photography. Not that I ever left it, but for the past year or so, the extension of my arm, also known as a c.a.m.e.r.a, had been a wee bit neglected, but now I once more feel it detached to myself. Snapping away like a mad woman!

Talking of which, or witch: yes you can call me one if you like ;P. So talking about being a little cuckoo or hii-haa or (whistling sound while spinning my finger pointed at my head), so crazy basically. I have come to realize you have to be a little off your rockers to actually pull out any kind of regular job people do in today’s world. And I think it is actually a requirement for the artistic field. So guess I am on the right track, either way. And to think about it, I used to be worried, especially having such a crazy family. But that tale is a topic for another day!

So what is floating in my mind… Let’s see, of course the pending surgery, that is a given. What else. Train of thought, OK, now I am actually thinking and when that happens, all ideas are out the door. For example if I plan my writing ahead, characters, plot (what plot?) and all that jazz, I end up having a nice setup and then start writing and the complete work is actually something completely different. So, I have realized thinking is no good, not for me at least. This may not be a good guideline for everyone and certainly not what the books on the subject matter teach. But when I let go, and let the characters guide me, the story writes itself. OK, so I am telling a little tall tale here, since I currently have at least ten stories in various stages of incompletion, but still. Take this rant for example. No planning and here I am typing, still typing, just typing. Utter, complete, nonsense!

And with that thought, I will take the exit to the right.

Thanks Ladies and Gents! It’s been real! Please come back for more in the near future for more of… Tales of the Unexpected (or what ever floats in my mind)!

Alfred Hitchcock Aims