Some Social Media Bullshit (BEST OF 2016)

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Posted in BEST OF 2016

Some Social Media Bullshit

You don’t have to like it, but have to be in there: The social media of the world wide web. After all, who wants to be a complete social outcast!

Here are a few examples of what can be used for keeping in touch with family, friends and even your favourite movie stars!

* Assbook: Like opinions, everyone has more than one
* Angstagram: I post photos of myself and my eating habits, therefore I am
* Bitter: You would be too if no one is following you, right?
* Benchpress: For every self aware blabber, but more artistic ;P
* Tiedup: A must for professionals, endorse endorse endorse until you drop!
* You-boob: You did something stupid, maybe flashed a body part usually hidden, it got on video and uploaded on the internet and now you are the star of your own show!

A typical modern person’s day

@In the morning
The alarm clock is going off, it’s time to get up.
What is the first thing you do?

#Pick up your phone from the night stand and:

A) Check your social media apps
B) Check your email

@Driving in the car to your place of work.
Listening to the radio and the DJ is urging you to snap a photo and upload it to their site:

#uploadfunnypic

A) You are snapping selfies and almost bumping into the car that stopped in front of you. (The other driver possibly doing the same thing as you).
B) You are twatting your social media buddies of what you just did.

@Lunch time everyone with their phones in their respective hands. Not one word is spoken to anyone ‘live’, but they all are:

A) Chatting (and oh yes, there are actually office use approved ones too: Yank!)
B) Updating statuses on various social media apps.
C) Uploading photos of what they ate (of course, a must for every self aware social medialite).
D) Someone shared a funny video and twatted the link to everyone else around the table.
E) Everyone watching the video.
F) Everyone twatting feedback to each other.

@Coffee break everyone is:

A) Uploading photos of coffee and doughnuts they will consume.
B) Chatting with the people around the coffee table.

Back home from the office.

@Dinner table the family is sharing a meal and their respective day:

A-F apply here too.

@Midnight, bedtime:

A) Time to recap today’s event in your “blab”.
B) Latest friend updates to be checked (so not to miss any important things such as what your friends ate or what they were watching on TV, etc.)
C) Twatting everyone

#g’night!

Sometimes though, you have to be more low tech. For example in the situation, where your respective spouse is not quite on the same level of enlightenment regarding the social conventions of the social media as you are. Then you have to resort to archaic methods like the SMS.

Wishing your spouse

#sweet dreams xoxo

Lesson learnt:
Getting anything done; 3% is talent, 97% is staying off the internet.

batman-hates-social-media

Monday, Bloody Monday (BEST OF 2016)

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Posted in BEST OF 2016

“Why is Monday so far from Friday, and Friday so near to Monday?”

Monday, Bloody Monday

Monday, bloody Monday
It is certainly not my fun day
Still five days until Friday
This could well be my die day

My calendar filled with meetings
No time for eating
Feeling like cheating
When trying to catch a break for peeing

No use in struggle or fighting 
Almost worse than being struck by a lightning
Dealing with the disappointment
Because there is no ointment

Another working week has started
From my leisure time I was parted
Doing my best to survive
Just wishing to keep in the drive

Tell me, do I really hate Mondays
Or is it just the illusion of a fading Sunday?

i-hate-mondays_1945

The Four Options For Coffee (BEST OF 2016)

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Posted in BEST OF 2016

“Coffee – the finest organic suspension ever devised.
It’s got me through the worst of the last three years.
I beat the Borg with it”
Captain Kathryn Janeway

The Four Options Of Coffee

1) Good
2) OK
3) Drinkable
4) Yak

How to recognize bad coffee:

1) Looks like tea, doesn’t taste like tea and certainly not like any coffee you’ve ever tasted!
2) Sticky gooey stuff sticks on your tongue: Looks like tar, tastes like tar!
3) Your face twitches in a funny way: Not funny good, but funny bad.
4) Coffee with milk: Except when it’s ice coffee, with lots of coffee, a little ice and hardly any milk.

You know it’s an excellent cup when the coffee is:

1) Black.
2) The spoon melts in it before you manage to stir.
3) You have a burned after taste in your mouth for several hours after your last cup of the day.
4) It’s ten o’clock in the evening and you are still drinking it.

Note: Why you would actually stop drinking coffee at any hour is beyond me!

11515Drink-Coffee-Poster

Coffee, by any other name (BEST OF 2016)

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Posted in BEST OF 2016

“As long as there was coffee in the world, how bad could things be?”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

Coffee, by any other name

“What’s in a name?
That which we call, coffee,
By any other name,
Would smell as sweet;”

The sweetest of aroma,
From every cafe in Roma
Bringing you to your knees,
When on a walkabout, in Paris

A cup of Java
A cup of Joe
Darker than molten lava
Just let the liquid flow!

Because,
Coffee, by any other name…

Well, it’s all coffee,
Really,
And all coffee
Is good,
Just
Drink,
Enjoy,
And be merry
And sooner than later
Have another cup
Then some more,
Maybe one more,
For the road,
To get off the load,
Take away,
Now you’re talking,
Just keep on walking
Another cafe
Is bound to
Come along!

coffee-selfie

Forty-Seven: part three (BEST OF 2016)

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Posted in BEST OF 2016

“I no longer believe in the Easter Bunny,
and I’m beginning to wonder about Santa Claus.
But I believe wholeheartedly in 47”
Sarah Dolinar

Forty-Seven: The Culprit

Maybe I am an alien
With a devilish plan

“Hello, I am Specialist 47
Delighted to make your acquaintance
Please find attached my credentials
For some mind maintenance”

Resident of Earth since 1947
Successfull mind melds, total of 47 000 000 047
47 more years to beat
Until my mission is complete

My contact information
4747 Galaxy Boulevard
A short promenade
A right down the hall
Or give me a call
My mobile number 555-4747
Thank you for your confirmation

oak45m_a

Forty-Seven: part one (BEST OF 2016)

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Posted in BEST OF 2016

“I no longer believe in the Easter Bunny,
and I’m beginning to wonder about Santa Claus.
But I believe wholeheartedly in 47”
Sarah Dolinar

Forty-Seven: The Proof

The time is now, 00.47
Roswell 1947
Film, 47 Minutes
Waterford Greenwich 47-piece Flatware Set
Exit 47
47 followers
London Bus Routes – 47/N47
4711 Eau de toilette
Level 47 Walkthrough
Agent 47
47 Ronin
U.S. Code › Title 47
The 47 Society
47 likes on Facebook page
47 mints in the box

bundesstrase_47_number-svg

Forty-Seven: part two (BEST OF 2016)

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Posted in BEST OF 2016

“I no longer believe in the Easter Bunny,
and I’m beginning to wonder about Santa Claus.
But I believe wholeheartedly in 47”
Sarah Dolinar

Forty-Seven: The Homage

How phenomenal
Quite Astrological
Completely magical
Oh so mythical
Like a rock star

My profound respect
I am fundamentally perplexed
How very puzzling
Even a little hustling
Quite the dazzling

You are… the Culprit

images

A Christmas Tale: Can I have some Figgy Puddin’, please

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Posted in the Holiday Celebration

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times” Charles Dickens

pudding-1

A Christmas Tale: Can I have some Figgy Puddin’, please

pudding-2

The year was 1845. I was about ten years of age and working as a stable girl. Our family lived and worked in Lord Hamilton’s manor house. It was Christmas time and as a gift for the servants, the Lord arranged a feast for the staff and their families.

Mommy had the children dressed in their Sunday best. My two brothers were complaining about the stiffness of the shirts. Starch was itchy and could cause rash, especially if one scratched the itch.
I had my favourite dress on and my younger sister was a bit jealous of the red and green colouring. She was wearing a plain blue coloured hand me down.

After all the fuzz and hassle with the wardrobe, the whole family was finally set to go to the main house and start with the Christmas dinner. Us servants would be dining in the large kitchen. Several long tables were brought in with extra seats as well. This wasn’t a large household. With around fifteen servants and their families, well not all had children and spouses, all in all around sixty people in total crammed around the tables. The two cooks had had their hands full with the preparations and naturally every one that could had chipped in.

But now it was time for celebration. Everyone was finally sitting down and getting quiet. After grace the noise level rose again. Food containers were passed around and everyone was filling their respective plates. After all, it wasn’t often we got to eat in this manner and variety.

After a while, everyone had cleared their plates and it was time for dessert. My favourite was the Figgy Pudding. If possible I opted for seconds. As I got my plate of the delicious substance before me, I licked my lips and dug into it with gusto. It did not take too long for the food to disappear from my plate.

My mom looked at me with a smirk. I looked back at her and passing my bowl I asked: “Is there any Figgy Puddin’ left?”

I was smiling widely, feeling exhilarated, when the bowl was passed back to me with an other helping.

When the final bits were eaten, it was time for the traditional sing along. The farmhand brought out his accordion and after the first few tunes, we all joined in. The evening was spent singing, chatting and finally picking up the tables. We all went back to our dwellings, thanking the Lord for the special meal.

Merry Pudding and God bless us everyone!

pudding-3

A Visit to the North Pole

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“O, how glorious would it be to set my heel upon the Pole and turn myself 360 degrees in a second!”
Joseph Banks

A Visit to the North Pole

visit-1

A quick trip
To the North Pole
A little hop and skip
To the beat of the drum roll

The elves busy at work
Their faces in a permanent smirk
No time for breaks or coffee
Not even a little toffee

The holiday season is upon us
Which has caused all the fuss
Be careful where you step though
You may end up in a pile of snow

Santa’s sleigh
Without delay
Flying over the river
Presents to deliver

Hitch a ride
In a blink of an eye
You’ll be landing
At the front door standing

Was it a dream
So it would seem
But then again
Life is but a dream

visit-2

One Day in December for Freaky Friday

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Posted in Freaky Friday: Tales of the odd and unexpected

“December’s wintery breath is already clouding the pond,
frosting the pane, obscuring summer’s memory…”
― John Geddes

One Day in December

one-day-1

The early morning light in the eastern horizon, in the colour of brightest red and powerful, like a wild fire, gave the villagers quite the scare. It had been a long dark period after the colours of fall had faded, but they had expected the dark times to last at least several moons over, before the light bringer would once again light the fires up in the North, indicating start of spring.

Gathering into the village centre, whole families and their pets, standing there, staring in awe at the fiery sky. No sound was heard, apart from the roars of the winds in the near forest. Then, the eerie silence was broken. A bang on the ground of a heavy object being dropped followed a squeaky voice:

“Ragnarök!” she shouted pointing at the sky.

The other turned at her, looking and wondering what the village oldest woman was on about.

“The war is coming!” she kept looking at the skies.

“War?” someone from the crowd dared asking.

The old woman nodded and kept looking at the skies, “Yes, the war”, she simply stated. Then sighing, she looked back at the village, who had their eyes turned to the old woman, clearly gone mad or delusional.

“What war is that?” a man questioned her.

The old woman stood silent for a moment before she responded.

“The war of the ages, the war between good and evil” she whispered under her breath and then turned towards the others, “Armageddon!” she half shouted.

“Surely, you are mistaken?” the man continued and hesitated for a moment, “Maybe we have miscalculated the passing of time and the springtime is upon us?” He turned toward the others nodding as if getting the others to go along with his assessment.

But, the others were looking worried and starting to realize, what the woman was trying to say. That the old fairy tales, passed on as folklore. Bedtime stories told by parents to scare the children to do their bidding, may now have become true.

“Ragnarök”, the old woman just stated silently and once again turned her face towards the reddening skies.

ragnarok

To be continued