“No tea, no shade honey!” RuPaul’s Drag Race
Good God Get a Grip Girl!
You may
Think
You’re the
Cat’s meow
But let’s see
How you
Really feel
After I
Tell you
About
What you
Actually are
I’m not
Trying to
Come for you
Offend you
Upset you
Or even
Resent you
In any way
But this is
What it is
How it is
Really like
Why
Don’t you
Give yourself
A really good
Look in
The mirror
And tell me
Can you
Get a grip
On it!
Part Three of REALITY? WHO’S BRILLIANT IDEA WAS THAT?
“It is strange because sometimes, I read a book, and I think I am the people in the book”
Time for a Reality Check?
So there I was, in the middle of the woods, all by my lonesome. No where to hide, no where to run.
I was in for a challenge. Not only because of me detoxing from the fiction I was greatly hooked up on at this point, but also living in an archaic house without any creature comforts.
I watched the car drive off, and then I was finally alone. Time to start the battle with the demons!
I went inside the wooden cabin finding a layer of dust settling on the surfaces. Sighing deeply and thinking ‘Welcome to the labour camp’. Placing my rucksack on the chair closest to me, I rolled up my sleeves and started cleaning up.
Windows and door open to get the air circulating. Making do with an old broom to swipe the floors. Luckily I had brought some cleaning wipes with me. Those would come in handy while dusting the surfaces.
A few hours later I looked around and the place was spick and span clean. It was time for the evening meal and I was unpacking my bag. I had several cans of food, some crackers and a juice canister. Now all I needed was water and wood!
The rest of my day went pretty much doing chors like cutting wood and hauling water from the well.
A few more hours went by and I was inside getting the wooden stow started. When the fire was burning nicely, I opened one of the cans, pea soup of course, good for any camper!
It was night fall and I had my little oil lamp burning and the fire was going keeping me warm. It had been a little bit of an effort, but luckily some smart Alec had written instructions now hanging on the wall next to fireplace.
So there I was without a care in the world, my stomach full with soup and juice. I was wondering how people managed to get anything else done in the olden days. Most of the daylight hours seemed to be wasted on cleaning and gathering necessities for meal preparation.
Then I realized I needed to use the facilities. Unfortunately there was only an outhouse and it was a bit tricky to navigate there in the dark. I had my torch with me so that helped a little. I just hoped no wildlife were close by feeling peckish and thinking I was food.
The routine for the two week period was pretty much the same every day. Get up at dawn, because the birds were screaming in the trees, hunt and gather for nourishment. The cottage grounds actually had a pretty good assortment of various berries and luckily it was the season for most of them.
In the end, I did not even miss reading, anything, fiction or otherwise. I didn’t have time, when the real life hit me hard, and using a log to do it!
Let’s see what happens when I finally get back home, where all the temptations await me!
“What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course” – Marilyn Monroe
The incredible lightness of being… Naked
“Hanging around naked can be fun, whether you are driving your car, shopping groceries or just hanging in your neighbour’s yard barbequing. This of course only applies if you are a nudist and resident of a nudist colony!”
The Finns may be an odd bunch among the rest of the so-called civilized western world. Sitting around in a steaming small and fully packed room, naked in something they refer to as “sauna”. Be that with their family, a group of friends or neighbors and even ones nearest colleagues. Sometimes even with a group of strangers will suffice when visiting the public swimming pool.
They also like to take naked dips in a lake during wintertime when the temperature has dropped below zero and the water is really icy cold. If you are courageous enough and willing to imitate this behaviour, beware though, some shrinkage may occur.
Myself I also like the cool air against my naked skin, especially after the shower in the morning, running around the house in my birthday suit. This may of course cause some temporary blindness in those whose fate it is to stare inside just when I am passing the windows.
There are those who are ashamed of their bodies and try to hide and cover them in every possible situation, even though these bodies would be in sync to the general consensus of a “beautiful body” what ever that term means. I personally subscribe to the notion of “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” and what ever form the body may be is fine as long as you are comfortable in your own skin.
I got my first touch of “shame” of one’s nakedness while visiting UK when I was seventeen. While camping there, the facilities were public of course including the showers. Being the shameless Finn, I undressed outside the stall, took a quick shower and came out again naked to dress up. The rest of the Brits went in fully dressed, which seemed an odd thing to do. But as it turned out they did take their clothes off for the actual shower! Mind you, these were not unisex showers, but separate for the ladies and gents, so there was no visible need for this behaviour.
Posing for artistic and tasteful nude photographs in one’s youth seems to be allowed, especially if you have the body for it. Posing in your later years or if you have put on some weight is a definite no-no, at least as per what is socially acceptable.
Fair warning though: If you aim for any of the following positions posing in nude photos is a definite negatory:
* Teacher
* Politician
* Basically any kind of public figure
* Beauty pageant contestant
These photos will turn up when you least expect them and bite you right in the derriere, pun intended! However if your goal is to be an entertainer in the so-called adult industry, posing nude will give you excellent practice for it!
This writer does not subscribe to the above mentioned social convention, but has a more open mind where nudity is concerned and in conclusion, quoting the famous Drag artist RuPaul:
“We are all born naked and the rest is Drag”
“If I put the pedal to the metal I might get there on time”
Road Rage
Friday morning, last work day of the week, tried to avoid the morning rush hour at any cost.
I left earlier than usual and reached the interstate only to realize every other person and their friend had had the same idea.
I was cursing (and shouting) out loud in the car at ‘all the idiots’ hogging the lanes. Divided into two kinds of drivers; the first ones driving no faster than the speed limit, the others cris crossing from lane to lane, speeding then slowing down and speeding up again.
Myself of course being the only driver there, following all the traffic rules and driving in the best possible manner, felt allowed to chastise all the others.
I myself try to pick one lane and stick with it. I like to drive fast, so I usually choose the fastest lane, keep a few car lengths in reserve and get to my destination on time. But, for some reason the overtaking lane was filled with ‘Sunday drivers’ who were in absolutely no hurry getting anywhere particular, but they liked to drive along this lane annoying everyone else.
I have also noticed turning to a side road can be a very difficult maneuver: Starting to slow the car down a half a kilometer before the turn is ahead, leaving the others behind you wonder what is wrong. Do not bother with the turn signal, the other drivers can read your mind and know exactly what you are doing. If they don’t have ESP, shock them by turning the signaling on a few seconds before you actually turn, giving (hopefully) enough time for the drivers behind you to brake!
There is a select group of drivers, who call themselves motorcyclists. Trying to survive your fellow car driving humans is one thing, but another thing is dodging those silvery bullets passing your car in a speed of light blur from only inches away. Driving in the middle in “no-lane” and stopping for no man! I myself am more of a scooter person, driving the grandma version, pink of course, slowly and enjoying the sound of the birds singing.
A recap of how most drivers “read” in to what the usage of the traffic lights means:
* Green: The phone is ringing, stop the car to take the call and for what ever reason, do not look at the rear view mirror!
* Yellow: Accelerate, the light is almost red now, you need to reach the intersection RIGHT NOW!
* Red means GO GO GO!!
“Get off your mobile, keep your eyes on the road and put the pedal to the metal!”
“You need to put the pedal to the metal and shift gears as low as you can in an uphill situation”
Four Wheel Drives and Shopping Bags
I have wondered for a while where people who drive massive four-wheel drives live. Is it a rural forestry area, were they would need a tractor like vehicle just to get to the main road? Or maybe they are sidelining as farmers and the car has a double function as a plow or other form of device needed on a big estate?
I myself drive a small car, even though it has four wheels. In comparison it is really a minor league moving vehicle compared to some of the “muscle cars” increasingly occupying the traffic.
I prefer a car that is low on gas, maintenance and at most times, easy to find parking space for. Sometimes referred to as “a shopping bag”, but I have no idea why, since most times you can only fit two bags in the boot at best.
There is hardly any elbow room for trying to shift gears when you are driving stick if there is a passenger sitting next to you. And if you manage to put on few pounds, then good luck trying to fit in your seat in the first place. Definitely not the best mode of transportation for any larger number of family or any larger pet than a Chihuahua.
You also need to watch out if driving in windy weather: Compared to a massive four wheel drive, the shopping bag has difficulties keeping it’s wheels on the road! Basically anytime driving over 80 kilometers per hour, the little car will start shaking like it was on the dance floor. And you start feeling your knuckles getting white while gripping the steering wheel as hard as you can.
When driving up hill, your little car usually starts with hiccups and coughing until it finally freezes if you forgot to shift the gear to lowest possible and did not remember to stomp the gas pedal as hard as you could.
Parking should be easy for a tiny car especially when up against the big muscular cars. But sometimes trying to fit in a space between two big cars parked over the allotted space can be a tricky maneuver. After a few adjustments and back and forth motions you finally manage to get into the spot without any damage. The next step is to wiggle yourself out of the car through the small crack between the slightly opened door and the car itself, pushing and pulling and squeezing your body, until you are finally out! After the acrobatic maneuver like that, you can cancel going to the gym for the day.
The lesson learned here is quite simple: “Take a bus!”
“Live long and prosper” – Spock AKA Leonard Nimoy
Homage to Spock AKA Leonard Nimoy
“It’s only a television show”
– Maybe so, but it got me through the best of times and surely through the worst of times
“Vulcan honours us with your presence. We come to serve”
– Mr Spock had me at hello
“Never meet your heroes”
– Maybe true, but this particular hero I will regret not meeting for the rest of my life
“These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise, Its continuing mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no one has gone before.”
– And I will keep watching until such time they put me out to pasture.
Mr Nimoy, please reserve a room for me also in Valhalla!
“We are all born naked and the rest is Drag” – RuPaul
It’s A Human… No, It’s A Drag Race!
This is Ixavier Lasloth coming live from the Galaxy near you!
Our news team is currently orbiting a small bluish rock in the farthest corner of the known universe. We are here to observe the supposedly dominant occupants of this planet they have named “Earth”. These people seem to be involved in something called the “human race”, although as to where and when the race will take place is still unclear.
We are here to observe the ritualistic behaviour of this particular species, whose skin colour is varying from a pinkish hue to darker brown shade or sometimes even red. Some of them are covered in a thick fur like layer, while others remain neutral and satisfied in their original skin.
We are in disguise to avoid any panic our strange appearance may cause in the inhabitants.
Upon closer inspection, we can clearly detect at least two distinctive sexes, but there may be more.
Although most of these creatures seem to be content in their existence, some of them rebel against the existing norm. These individuals have ventured to live their lives with their own set of rules and formed tight knit groups and living off the radar. These “outsiders” worship their heroes in an almost religious fashion.
This exceptional behaviour is the reason, why this reporter landed on this forsaken rock and decided to have a closer look.
After making contact with some of these “radical groups”, we were fortunate enough to get invited to observe one of their many rituals. The core group and their followers call themselves “De-rag Q-ueens.
We were invited to observe their masking ritual, reserved for the most elite individuals of the group. The “males” as we got to know them were performing an age old ceremony named the “drag race”.
Observing the ritual to a fault, there is a strict regime to follow:
The first step is to apply a thick layer of paint on the face. The next step is to add a head piece, which seems like a construct of some sort of animal hair. These headpieces come in every imaginative colour of the rainbow. To complete the transformation, a garment weaved with glittering items is pulled over the top half of the body. The feet are covered with footwear constructed from a leathery material and with an added feature, which seems to give the wearer more height.
When the total transformation from “male” to “female” was complete, it was time to “put on a show”.
The Q-ueens lined up and started walking in orderly fashion on what seemed to be a structure of wooden planks they had named the “cat walk”. A rhythmic beat followed by electrical lights flashing caused the Q-ueens to start producing sounds from their throats causing melodic sounds coming out from their mouths. This ritual was of a repetitive nature, where the melodies and sounds varied depending on the individual performing them. The “show” continued and the partakers managed to change their attire several times over before the ceremony was over.
All in all while observing this religious ritual in all its glory, this reporter found oneself caught in the moment; cheering and applauding at the end of the ceremony, which luckily was the accepted social convention.
While trying to get more in-depth information as to what the origin of this particular ritual was, I was fortunate to interview one of the elders among them. And the message, quite clear and directly quoted:
“We may be born naked, but surely the rest needs to be drag”
In this reporter’s opinion, this may be one of the more successful stories of Earth.
Until next time, this is Ixavier Lasloth, signing off!
“Good things come in small sizes”
Ode to My Little Car
It was a tiny little thing
Not the prettiest of the lot
The name had a soft ring
Almost like a plot
Fiesta…
Siesta…
Round and round in paces
Could see the look on others faces
‘Surely that is not the car to buy’
‘To her money she would kiss goodbye’
Trying it on for size I did
Smiling like a little kid
Spite what others may have though
This car was surely bought
It wasn’t quite what expected
Less is not more, had to respect it
Tempted by a car with muscle
The salesman tried to hustle
Something made me turn to look
The little car had gotten me hooked
Back and forth I went
Trying not to get bent
It was calling me I could hear
Trying hard not to get near
But
Fear not
Reason won in the end
After all
The muscle car was too tall
And lets face it
I got hitched
The tiny car was kin
All is well in the end
Lesson learned: Think big, buy small!
“Everything is the same as always”
From favourite TV character idolizing to borderline obsession
We all have our favourite TV shows and in them the characters we like, some more than others. And at some point the line between liking and obsession starts to disappear and then you realize it is time to wake up, put the kettle on, the cat out for a pee and admit ‘it’s just a TV show’!
It is generally believed the TV audiences do not want anything new and exciting. They want the same old plot twists and familiar characters to appear on their small screen every week. Major dynamics’ changes between the characters or the plotline may not go well with the viewers.
Let’s face it; for most people, it’s best everything to be as black and white as possible:
The good guy needs to wear ‘the white hat’ while the bad guy is all dressed in black. The Evil Lynn is a shapely brunet with blue eyes while the girl next door is a brown-eyed blond and for heaven’s sake: Leave the gays in the closet!
I like to think myself more of a gray kind of person. That being said, this is what happened for one of my top favourite shows:
I usually try to avoid reading anything on the world wide web regarding the shows and fandom or what the actors behind the characters are like or what else they do, but for some reason I went online and googled this particular show.
Much to my dismay, I read some alarming changes to be happening in said show and after reading was close to a panic attack!
No way in hell was I going to accept these changes! It was completely off for the characters!
This ranting went on first in my head (and I might have said it out loud even a few times) and later went on and on about it in familiar company (not that anyone understood what I was on about and why I was so upset over a TV show).
So what happened is that instead of being excited about a new episode and watching it on the allotted timeslot I taped the show and did not dare to watch it.
Almost a whole week went by until I finally broke down and watched the episode. It wasn’t nearly as bad as I lead myself to understand from what I read on the Internet, but it wasn’t good either.
In the end I got over it and real life won 😉 The series still remains among my favourites, I watch it and try not to get too attached to the characters. After all, it’s only a fictional television show.
The lesson learned:
If you don’t like what you are watching, I can see three options available for you:
Rantings Of A Third Kind 