The Definition of God? (TBT)

Posted in the Throwback Thursday weekly series
Poetry, photography, tales and things that nature!

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“God is the most popular star in human history:
Loved, hated, or talked about by almost every person ever walked on planet Earth”

The Definition of God?

When I was a very young child, I thought God was an old, largely built man with white hair and beard, sitting on a cloud, playing his harp.

To be fair, I may also have confused God with Santa Claus, since they basically share the same appearance, apart from the red suite and reindeer.

When I was a child of school age, God was the magician who granted wishes through prayer.

Maybe I have watched too many Harry Potter movies? Rubeus Hagrid had a similar, albeit darker setup going on as the God image from my childhood.

When I was a teenager, before and during the Confirmation School, God was the guy starring in the Bible.

Or was it Charlton Heston?

When I reached maturity and got more spiritual, the definition of God started to get more blurred from a “person” to a “being” type thing.

Watching the X-Files and other alien types of “documentaries” did not help. Was God a “dude in a white beard” or some type of alien being after all?

Now in my fifties, comfortable in my own skin and being, my definition of God has definitely been clarified:

God is a very hot mature lady:
Prancing around in a sparkly red and extremely short skin tight dress. 
Wearing six inch stiletto heels.
She likes things done her way (and only her way).
Arguing with her is pointless and resistance is futile.
You are clearly aware if she is not pleased or happy.
In her spare time she drives around in a red sports car.
And, likes her drinks shaken not stirred.

PS. She may also be a drag queen.

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The incredible lightness of being… Naked (TBT)

Posted in the Throwback Thursday weekly series
Poetry, photography, tales and things that nature!

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“What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course” – Marilyn Monroe

The incredible lightness of being… Naked

“Hanging around naked can be fun, whether you are driving your car, shopping groceries or just hanging in your neighbour’s yard barbequing. This of course only applies if you are a nudist and resident of a nudist colony!”

The Finns may be an odd bunch among the rest of the so-called civilized western world. Sitting around in a steaming small and fully packed room, naked in something they refer to as “sauna”. Be that with their family, a group of friends or neighbors and even ones nearest colleagues. Sometimes even with a group of strangers will suffice when visiting the public swimming pool.

They also like to take naked dips in a lake during wintertime when the temperature has dropped below zero and the water is really icy cold. If you are courageous enough and willing to imitate this behaviour, beware though, some shrinkage may occur.

Myself I also like the cool air against my naked skin, especially after the shower in the morning, running around the house in my birthday suit. This may of course cause some temporary blindness in those whose fate it is to stare inside just when I am passing the windows.

There are those who are ashamed of their bodies and try to hide and cover them in every possible situation, even though these bodies would be in sync to the general consensus of a “beautiful body” what ever that term means. I personally subscribe to the notion of “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” and what ever form the body may be is fine as long as you are comfortable in your own skin.

I got my first touch of “shame” of one’s nakedness while visiting UK when I was seventeen. While camping there, the facilities were public of course including the showers. Being the shameless Finn, I undressed outside the stall, took a quick shower and came out again naked to dress up. The rest of the Brits went in fully dressed, which seemed an odd thing to do. But as it turned out they did take their clothes off for the actual shower! Mind you, these were not unisex showers, but separate for the ladies and gents, so there was no visible need for this behaviour.

Posing for artistic and tasteful nude photographs in one’s youth seems to be allowed, especially if you have the body for it. Posing in your later years or if you have put on some weight is a definite no-no, at least as per what is socially acceptable.

Fair warning though: If you aim for any of the following positions posing in nude photos is a definite negatory:

* Teacher
* Politician
* Basically any kind of public figure
* Beauty pageant contestant

These photos will turn up when you least expect them and bite you right in the derriere, pun intended! However if your goal is to be an entertainer in the so-called adult industry, posing nude will give you excellent practice for it!

This writer does not subscribe to the above mentioned social convention, but has a more open mind where nudity is concerned and in conclusion, quoting the famous Drag artist RuPaul:

“We are all born naked and the rest is Drag”

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Some Social Media Bullshit (TBT)

Posted in the Throwback Thursday weekly series
Poetry, photography, tales and things that nature!

“Connecting people – The artist formerly known as Nokia”

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Some Social Media Bullshit

You don’t have to like it, but have to be in there: The social media of the world wide web. After all, who wants to be a complete social outcast!

Here are a few examples of what can be used for keeping in touch with family, friends and even your favourite movie stars!

* Assbook: Like opinions, everyone has more than one
* Angstagram: I post photos of myself and my eating habits, therefore I am
* Bitter: You would be too if no one is following you, right?
* Benchpress: For every self aware blabber, but more artistic ;P
* Tiedup: A must for professionals, endorse endorse endorse until you drop!
* You-boob: You did something stupid, maybe flashed a body part usually hidden, it got on video and uploaded on the internet and now you are the star of your own show!

A typical modern person’s day

@In the morning
The alarm clock is going off, it’s time to get up.
What is the first thing you do?

#Pick up your phone from the night stand and:

A) Check your social media apps
B) Check your email

@Driving in the car to your place of work.
Listening to the radio and the DJ is urging you to snap a photo and upload it to their site:

#uploadfunnypic

A) You are snapping selfies and almost bumping into the car that stopped in front of you. (The other driver possibly doing the same thing as you).
B) You are twatting your social media buddies of what you just did.

@Lunch time everyone with their phones in their respective hands. Not one word is spoken to anyone ‘live’, but they all are:

A) Chatting (and oh yes, there are actually office use approved ones too: Yank!)
B) Updating statuses on various social media apps.
C) Uploading photos of what they ate (of course, a must for every self aware social medialite).
D) Someone shared a funny video and twatted the link to everyone else around the table.
E) Everyone watching the video.
F) Everyone twatting feedback to each other.

@Coffee break everyone is:

A) Uploading photos of coffee and doughnuts they will consume.
B) Chatting with the people around the coffee table.

Back home from the office.

@Dinner table the family is sharing a meal and their respective day:

A-F apply here too.

@Midnight, bedtime:

A) Time to recap today’s event in your “blab”.
B) Latest friend updates to be checked (so not to miss any important things such as what your friends ate or what they were watching on TV, etc.)
C) Twatting everyone

#g’night!

Sometimes though, you have to be more low tech. For example in the situation, where your respective spouse is not quite on the same level of enlightenment regarding the social conventions of the social media as you are. Then you have to resort to archaic methods like the SMS.

Wishing your spouse

#sweet dreams xoxo

Lesson learnt:
Getting anything done; 3% is talent, 97% is staying off the internet.

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Service or no Service, That is the Question (TBT)

Posted in the Throwback Thursday Series
Poetry, photography, tales and things that nature!

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“Someone calling oneself a customer says 
she wants something called service?”

Service or no Service, That is the Question

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Those of us who work in the field of Information Technology know very well, that nothing is as certain: If something can go wrong, it will go wrong, especially when you least expect it. Oddly enough, the supposedly most reliable functionality used on daily bases tends to break down most frequently.

This is also true for any IT related appliances. Then you realize you need to call for help. But sometimes it seems getting the support for the actual issue at hand can be difficult at best.

For your amusement, a telecommunication between a PC Help Desk agent and the end user as it may have happened in real life:

“PC Service Desk, how may I help you today?”

“Hello, Yes, I have a problem with my emails, it seems I cannot send any.”

“I see. Would you be able to answer a few basic questions before we can start troubleshooting your issue?”

“Yes of course, fire away!”

“Thank you Ma’am. First question: Have you been diagnosed with any kind of debilitating disorder?”

“Umm… no.”

“Good. Next question: Are you currently experiencing nausea, dizziness, headache or dryness of the mouth?”

“No?”

“OK. Moving on: Do you feel numbness or swelling in any of your extremities?”

“No!”

“Are you currently on any kind of medication?”

* Getting annoyed *

“What has any of this got to do with my issue with email?”

“Just answer the questions Ma’am so we may move on!”

“Fine! I took some antihistamine this morning.”

“I see. Would you mind if we establish a link to your PC?”

“No of course not, please do!”

“Excellent. When you see the pop-up window, just click on the ‘accept’ choice”

“Done”

* A window with a face of the Help Desk person appears on the PC screen *

“Can you see me Ma’am?”

“Yes I see you clearly.”

“Great, we can see you as well.”

“OK, so now can we get back to my issue?”

“Hold on Ma’am. Can you stand up?”

“What?”

“Please stand up!”

“OK, standing up!”

“Now, please walk a few meters in a straight line to your left, then back to your right”

* Shaking head but complying *

“Walking…”

“Perfect. Now, stand perfectly still, move your right hand to the tip of your nose and back down again.”

* Frustrated sigh *

“OK…”

“Fine, now please do the same with your left hand.”

* Requested activity completed *

“Excellent Ma’am! We are all done here. Thank you for your co-operation and calling our emergency service desk! Have an excellent day!”

“What the… hold on! What of my issue with the email?”

“HAVE A GREAT DAY MA’AM! Goodbye!”

“But.. OK, Bye!”

* Sighing hevily *

* Looking around the office for colleagues *

“Does anyone else have an issue with their email?”

“Yes!”
“Me too!”
“Yup!”
“Diddo!”

“Did any of you call the help desk?”

“NO!”
“Never!”
“Not me!”
“Not in a million years!”

Saying out loud: “OK, then! Guess it’s back to work!”

Thinking: ‘Guess I just have to fix the issue myself!’

Lesson learned: “Self service is the best service!”

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Good God Get a Grip Girl! (TBT)

Posted in the Throwback Thursday weekly series
Poetry, photography, tales and things that nature!

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“No tea, no shade honey!” RuPaul’s Drag Race

Good God Get a Grip Girl!

You may
Think
You’re the
Cat’s meow
But let’s see
How you
Really feel
After I
Tell you
About
What you
Actually are

I’m not
Trying to
Come for you
Offend you
Upset you
Or even
Resent you
In any way

But this is
What it is
How it is
Really like

Why
Don’t you
Give yourself
A really good
Look in
The mirror
And tell me
Can you
Get a grip
On it!

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Four More Years (TBT)

Posted in the Throwback Thursday weekly series
Poetry, photography, tales and things that nature!

“The queen is dead, long live the queen!”

Four More Years

Instead
Of a president
Let’s make
The next elect
A drag queen
What a green
And novel idea
Ave Maria!

Oh queenly one
We would have
So much fun
Basking
In the sun
Without
Or With the pun
No doubt
With a shout
We hail
Long live
The queen

PS: Vote for Bianca Del Rio ;P

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A Wanna-be Drag Queen (TBT)

Posted in the Throwback Thursday weekly series
Poetry, photography, tales and things that nature!

“I Look Fuckin’ Cool” – Adore Delano & Alaska Thunderfuck

A Wanna-be Drag Queen

There is just something
to be said
About a man
in a dress
Not one hair
in a mess
Everyone staring
at big earrings

A Sculpted body
and lean legs
The woman embodies
A honey trap?
but into the spiders webs

Sickening
Gorgeous
Bickering
Flawless
Fabulous
Marvelous

Out of this world
Down the runway they swirled
Looking fucking cool
All we do is drool

You better work
With your lips in a smirk
It’s just a quirk
Don’t let it irk

I may be a woman
Must come clean
Maybe an omen
But I’m a wanna-be drag queen

“It’s not personal, It’s just drag” – Alyssa Edwards

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Throwback Thursday 2016-03-31

Posted in the Throwback Thursday weekly series
Poetry, photography, tales and things that nature!

TBT DEF“Just an FYI: Thursday the 12th is just as rare at Friday the 13th.”

Throwback Thursday 2016-03-31

On Thursdays we walk down memory lane and dig deeply into the archives of Rantings Of A Third Kind. For these posts, I have chosen some of my personal favourites. Some of them may tickle the funny bone, some even provoke thoughts and some of them will give you a view of the world in photographs taken by yours truly.

Today’s posts have been dedicated to all real and wannabe Drag Queens out there!

Posts for this week’s TBT:

It’s A Human… No, It’s A Drag Race! (TBT)

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A Wanna-be Drag Queen (TBT)

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Four More Years (TBT)

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Good God Get a Grip Girl! (TBT)

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Let the Rantings continue!!!

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It’s A Human… No, It’s A Drag Race! (TBT)

Posted in the Throwback Thursday weekly series
Poetry, photography, tales and things that nature!

Dame Edna Everage Tour

“We are all born naked and the rest is Drag” – RuPaul

It’s A Human… No, It’s A Drag Race!

This is Ixavier Lasloth coming live from the Galaxy near you!

Our news team is currently orbiting a small bluish rock in the farthest corner of the known universe. We are here to observe the supposedly dominant occupants of this planet they have named “Earth”. These people seem to be involved in something called the “human race”, although as to where and when the race will take place is still unclear.

We are here to observe the ritualistic behaviour of this particular species, whose skin colour is varying from a pinkish hue to darker brown shade or sometimes even red. Some of them are covered in a thick fur like layer, while others remain neutral and satisfied in their original skin.

We are in disguise to avoid any panic our strange appearance may cause in the inhabitants.

Upon closer inspection, we can clearly detect at least two distinctive sexes, but there may be more.

Although most of these creatures seem to be content in their existence, some of them rebel against the existing norm. These individuals have ventured to live their lives with their own set of rules and formed tight knit groups and living off the radar. These “outsiders” worship their heroes in an almost religious fashion.

This exceptional behaviour is the reason, why this reporter landed on this forsaken rock and decided to have a closer look.

After making contact with some of these “radical groups”, we were fortunate enough to get invited to observe one of their many rituals. The core group and their followers call themselves “De-rag Q-ueens.

We were invited to observe their masking ritual, reserved for the most elite individuals of the group. The “males” as we got to know them were performing an age old ceremony named the “drag race”.

Observing the ritual to a fault, there is a strict regime to follow:

The first step is to apply a thick layer of paint on the face. The next step is to add a head piece, which seems like a construct of some sort of animal hair. These headpieces come in every imaginative colour of the rainbow. To complete the transformation, a garment weaved with glittering items is pulled over the top half of the body. The feet are covered with footwear constructed from a leathery material and with an added feature, which seems to give the wearer more height.

When the total transformation from “male” to “female” was complete, it was time to “put on a show”.

The Q-ueens lined up and started walking in orderly fashion on what seemed to be a structure of wooden planks they had named the “cat walk”. A rhythmic beat followed by electrical lights flashing caused the Q-ueens to start producing sounds from their throats causing melodic sounds coming out from their mouths. This ritual was of a repetitive nature, where the melodies and sounds varied depending on the individual performing them. The “show” continued and the partakers managed to change their attire several times over before the ceremony was over.

All in all while observing this religious ritual in all its glory, this reporter found oneself caught in the moment; cheering and applauding at the end of the ceremony, which luckily was the accepted social convention.

While trying to get more in-depth information as to what the origin of this particular ritual was, I was fortunate to interview one of the elders among them. And the message, quite clear and directly quoted:

“We may be born naked, but surely the rest needs to be drag”
In this reporter’s opinion, this may be one of the more successful stories of Earth.

Until next time, this is Ixavier Lasloth, signing off!

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